Modern Humorist - Oprah's Direct-to-Video Erotic Thriller Club
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Dear Friends,

Dr Phil on Erotic Thrillers

The Direct-to-Video Erotic Thriller is a hit-or-miss affair. There you are on the new release rack, weighing the values of "Animal Instincts 3" versus "Desires of Innocence." The problem is, you don’t know from reading the back if the story is going to be good, and you don’t know from looking at Kira Reed in a thong on the front if the sex is going to be hot.

That’s where Oprah and I come in.

Oprah loves these movies. She loves the drama, the interplay between the characters and the arc of the storyline. Me, I go for simulated sex and wailing saxophone music. This is a win-win proposition.

The bottom line is this. A Direct-to-Video Erotic Thriller is a suspenseful feature that entertains and flashes a few boobie-boos. It’s just the thing to put passion back into a relationship that’s cooled to the point that you find yourself in a Blockbuster.

Dr. Phil McGraw is a noted relationship expert and author. He is the sponsor of "Dr. Phil’s Relationship Cinema," a film series that focuses less on complex themes of seduction and betrayal and more on ass-cramming.
    I’m proud to announce that I am replacing my popular Oprah’s Book Club with a new monthly segment that celebrates female empowerment. I know that all of you loved the Oprah’s Book Club because when I asked, you told me so. But the only constant in life is change, my friends, and Toni Morrison can only type so fast.
    You will find that Oprah’s Direct-to-Video Erotic Thriller Club spotlights equally compelling, if less wordy, tales of seduction and betrayal as the ones I have conditioned you to appreciate. The same forbidden, unbridled passion that Toni Morrison brings to the page, Shannon Tweed brings to the small screen. Films like “Illicit Dreams,” “A Woman Scorned” and especially “Body Chemistry 4: Full Exposure” reveal the struggles and triumphs of the repressed Southern California housewife. I know you’ll join me in saying, “Shannon, you work that body, girlfriend. I wish I looked that good when I was forty-five.”
    The first selection for my Oprah’s Direct-to-Video Erotic Thriller Club is “Friend of the Family,” also known as “Elke’s Erotic Nights.” In this redemptive drama, Elke (former Penthouse Pet Shauna O’Brien) solves the problems of a dysfunctional family by taking them all to bed. I, Oprah, will officially announce on May 6 the selection of “Friend of the Family” on my television show, “Oprah.” Three weeks later, I will discuss the video over dinner with five members of the television audience, and I will also tape a segment with Shauna O’Brien in her hometown of Pasco, Washington.

Future Selections from Oprah’s
Direct-to-Video Erotic Thriller Club:

A Passion for Murder
Doug Jeffery, Shauna O'Brien, Bobby Johnston
Oprah Says: “Director Richard W. Munchkin is clearly very sensitive to the needs of women in modern society.”
I Like to Play Games
Lisa Boyle, Ken Steadman
Oprah Says: “Simple yet so powerful, this film has made a tremendous difference in how I think and act in every encounter.”
Night Eyes 3
Shannon Tweed, Andrew Stevens, Tracy Tweed
Oprah Says: “An unflinching allegory on the woman's need for independence and security while resisting the subtly controlling comfort of men.”
Shannon Tweed, Andrew Stevens, Kim Morgan Greene
Oprah says: “This can happen to any one of us if we depend on our men too much.”

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