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AMERICA IS flying the flag again! Hooray! But in our enthusiasm to display patriotism, many of us are not practicing basic flag etiquette, flag hygiene or flag fear. This Flag Day, please obey these simple rules for displaying our great national emblem, lest you embarrass yourself or draw unwanted scrutiny from your neighborhood's Homeland Security secret informer (that fat, evil kid down the street).

Rule 1
The flag should be flown during daylight hours, in fair weather only. It must not be displayed in foul weather or at night.
Rule 2
The flag must never be used as a drapery, tablecloth, beach towel, kilt, "du" rag or thong. It should not be used to plug the gaping hole left after a botched nose job. In case of takeover by extremist Islamic regime, women should not use the flag as a veil.

Rule 3
The flag should be flown at topmast and rightside-up, except to indicate:

• Mourning (fly at half mast)
• Distress (fly upside-down)
• Confusion (fly a pineapple in lieu of flag)
• Quarantine (fly the bodies of the dead or dying)
• Grizzly bears (fly traditional grizzly bear alert flag)

Rule 4
Do not display the flag from a back pocket to indicate your sexual orientation.

Rule 5
The flag should be considered a living thing, and, as such, should be guarded from physical destruction. But do not make a little suit of clothes for the flag, stroke its "hair" and tell it, "No one in the whole world can love me like you do, Mr. Stripes."

Rule 6
The flag must not be done up in a trenchcoat and false mustache and dragged from cabaret to cabaret by boozy "flag hags."

Rule 7
When toasting the flag, make sure it is stuffed all the way into the toaster and rotated once for even browning. The flag should be buttered briskly and eaten ceremoniously. Enjoy with milk or punch.

Rule 8
Display the flag on national holidays, during times of national crisis and whenever commanded to do so by Tommy Hilfiger.

More All-American fun:
One Nation, Extra Cheese

America's Favorite Monkey

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