Q: So, is anyone here from New York?
A: Woo! [Wild applause.]

Q: Why do they call it a TV set when you get only one of them?
A: Well, don’t forget about the antenna, remote control and coaxial cables that come standard with most television packages.

Q: What do they ship Styrofoam packing peanuts in?
A: They’re shipped in a big plastic bag inside a normal cardboard box,” says a spokesman for ULine, a packing-peanuts manufacturer. “We use UPS.”

Q: What’s up with Grape-Nuts? Why do they call them Grape-Nuts if there are no grapes or nuts?
A: Grape-Nuts are made from natural wheat and barley. The cereal was created in 1897 by C.W. Post, who named it Grape-Nuts—Grape because it contained maltose, which was called grape sugar, and Nuts because of its flavor. Which was nutty.

Q: Okay, then what about a Cornnut? Is it a corn or a nut?
A: From the Nabisco Web site: “[Cornnuts have] the crunchy consistency of a nut and a uniquely, far out taste sensation. Furthermore, since it is made from corn we couldn’t have come up with a name more fitting than Cornnuts.”

Q: What’s another word for thesaurus?
A: Some other words and phrases include “onomasticon,” “synonym finder,” “lexicon,” “treasury of words,” “glossary,” “sourcebook,” “language reference book.”

Q: Why do you drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?
A: Parkway means a road with parkland around it; it has nothing to do with the verb “to park.” Driveway originally meant a path up to a building that one could drive on. Only as vehicles became more plentiful in the 20th century did driveways develop their auxiliary function as parking areas, say etymology experts.

Q: Why is it called a sports jacket if you don’t play sports in it?
A: Originally, say experts, these were designed for sports and casual outdoor wear. What we now think of more as formal wear was once the equivalent of a sweat suit!

Q: How come men always leave the toilet seat up?
A: Upbringing. I’m sure that if you tried, you’d find plenty of moms who taught their sons better!

Q: Why don’t men ever ask for directions?
A: That’s a pretty broad gender stereotype. Anecdotally, I happen to have several guy friends who have no problem at all with asking for directions.

Q: Why do men always hog the remote?
A: Hey, would you just lay off men for a while? Jeez. Like you’re Mr. Perfect. Asshole.

Q: Have you ever noticed how you always have one sock missing when you dry your clothes?
A: Hey, sorry about the blowup a second ago. I’m just having a bad week. I’m the jerk. You’re just trying to ask some questions, and I respect that. As for the socks, laundry experts say, it’s often static cling. How many times have you put on a sweatshirt and found a sock stuck to the inside? Also, if two socks are washed in separate loads, you’re bound to think one sock is gone. Why not put them in a mesh bag before washing? They’ll never “disappear” again.

Q: Ever notice that black guys do certain activities like this? But white guys, you see, white guys, they do it like this. Ever notice that?
A: [Silence broken only by sound of ice rattling in empty glass.]

Q: Thanks a lot, you’ve all been a great audience.
A: You suck!