Shop the MH Superstore!

Q: So, is anyone here from New York?
Woo! [Wild applause.]

Q: Why do they call it a TV set when you get only one of them?
Well, don’t forget about the antenna, remote control and coaxial cables that come standard with most television packages.

Q: What do they ship Styrofoam packing peanuts in?
They’re shipped in a big plastic bag inside a normal cardboard box,” says a spokesman for ULine, a packing-peanuts manufacturer. “We use UPS.”

Q: What’s up with Grape-Nuts? Why do they call them Grape-Nuts if there are no grapes or nuts?
Grape-Nuts are made from natural wheat and barley. The cereal was created in 1897 by C.W. Post, who named it Grape-Nuts—Grape because it contained maltose, which was called grape sugar, and Nuts because of its flavor. Which was nutty.

Q: Okay, then what about a Cornnut? Is it a corn or a nut?
From the Nabisco Web site: “[Cornnuts have] the crunchy consistency of a nut and a uniquely, far out taste sensation. Furthermore, since it is made from corn we couldn’t have come up with a name more fitting than Cornnuts.”

Q: What’s another word for thesaurus?
Some other words and phrases include “onomasticon,” “synonym finder,” “lexicon,” “treasury of words,” “glossary,” “sourcebook,” “language reference book.”

Q: Why do you drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?
Parkway means a road with parkland around it; it has nothing to do with the verb “to park.” Driveway originally meant a path up to a building that one could drive on. Only as vehicles became more plentiful in the 20th century did driveways develop their auxiliary function as parking areas, say etymology experts.

Q: Why is it called a sports jacket if you don’t play sports in it?
Originally, say experts, these were designed for sports and casual outdoor wear. What we now think of more as formal wear was once the equivalent of a sweat suit!

Q: How come men always leave the toilet seat up?
Upbringing. I’m sure that if you tried, you’d find plenty of moms who taught their sons better!

Q: Why don’t men ever ask for directions?
That’s a pretty broad gender stereotype. Anecdotally, I happen to have several guy friends who have no problem at all with asking for directions.

Q: Why do men always hog the remote?
Hey, would you just lay off men for a while? Jeez. Like you’re Mr. Perfect. Asshole.

Q: Have you ever noticed how you always have one sock missing when you dry your clothes?
Hey, sorry about the blowup a second ago. I’m just having a bad week. I’m the jerk. You’re just trying to ask some questions, and I respect that. As for the socks, laundry experts say, it’s often static cling. How many times have you put on a sweatshirt and found a sock stuck to the inside? Also, if two socks are washed in separate loads, you’re bound to think one sock is gone. Why not put them in a mesh bag before washing? They’ll never “disappear” again.

Q: Ever notice that black guys do certain activities like this? But white guys, you see, white guys, they do it like this. Ever notice that?
[Silence broken only by sound of ice rattling in empty glass.]

Q: Thanks a lot, you’ve all been a great audience.
You suck!

This piece originally appeared in Esquire magazine.

More humor about comedy:
And What's The Deal With These Observations?

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.