TO: PBS AFFILIATES

RE: CHARACTER CHANGES

The addition of an HIV positive character to the South African "Sesame Street" has inspired our American team to feature more socially relevant characters. We at Sesame Workshop have decided that there are some lessons parents shouldn’t have to teach their children; those lessons are can be more effectively taught by a gang of anthropomorphic puppet-monster hybrids.

The Count: Counting Out of Control Muppet

The Count’s obsession with numerical order doesn’t stop there. Watch him lock and unlock his door, wash and rewash his hands, and keep every item in his castle meticulously cataloged. Children learn the truth about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and learn to recognize that the urge to know the precise number of bats in a castle is an early warning sign.

Cookie Monster, the Muppet with Excessively High Cholesterol

Cookie Monster has just experienced a massive heart attack, and will be sticking to his strict diet of Kashi and skim milk. Our viewers suffering from youth obesity will think twice before reaching into that cookie jar and exploding their tiny, struggling hearts.

Chester the Recently-Unemployed Muppet

Our audience will learn the art of discretion when Chester the recently-unemployed Muppet "doesn’t want to talk about it." Episodes featuring Chester will be supplemented with onscreen instructions that help children locate the Help Wanted section of their local newspapers when their recently unemployed family member has to shelve his engineering degree from Penn and sell chinos at Banana Republic.

Potentially Threatening Shifty Eyed Extremist Neighbor of Middle Eastern Descent Muppet

Sesame Workshop is doing its part to fight the war on terror, and as per the Attorney General’s new "Citizens Corps" neighbor-espionage program, we really don’t have much of a choice.

Bitter Chain Smoking Divorcée Muppet

This muppet serves our other demographic: the stay-at-home mom. BCSD Muppet reminds mothers on the verge that the answer isn’t at the end of that tube of cookie dough. (cf. new Cookie Monster direction above.)

Passive-Aggressively Disappointed Father Muppet

Prepares kids for when they attempt to tell their fathers they’ve decided to forgo law school in favor of art classes in Colorado. Passive-Aggressively Disappointed Father Muppet tells all of his friends on Sesame Street that his son is a "struggling, small gallery artist" while actually suspecting that he’s sniffing glue on mom and pop’s funds.

Guy that Keeps Telling You Your Girlfriend’s Hot in that Way that Makes You Think it’s More than Just a Compliment Muppet

Children need to learn how to deal with persistent "friends" that may have ulterior motives for your significant other. (Steve from WGBH knows what I’m talking about.)

Muppet that Drops Out of School and Decides to Tour with Widespread Panic

Kids will learn the value of an education and a shower. They also learn from the MDOSDTWP Muppet how to enjoy a 3-hour jam session and make bongs out of apples.

Owner of the Hottest Nightclub on the Moon in the Year 2087 that Fights Interplanetary Gangsters Muppet

Eddie Murphy stars.

Heat Vision Muppet

Doesn’t teach kids anything, but this would be pretty cool.

Muppet Playing a Muppet Muppet

Teaches a lesson in irony, or doesn’t at all. Confusing yet comprehensible, interesting yet … banal. This is the next Elmo, people.