Modern Humorist - Hu's on First
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It seems to me they give these ball players nowadays very peculiar names.
You mean funny names?
Strange names, like Nomar Garciaparra. Let’s see, we have on the bags today, we got Jimmy Hu on first, Alvarez on second, and Gomez is on third...
Who’s on first?
I mean the fellow’s name.
The guy on first.
Hu. Asian guy.
The first baseman?
The guy playing... ?
Hu is on first!
I’m asking you, "Who’s on first."
That’s the man’s name.
That’s whose name?
Well, go ahead and tell me.
That’s it!
That’s who?
Look: You gotta first baseman?
Who’s playing first?
That’s right.
When the first baseman gets paid every month, who gets the money?
Every dollar of it.
All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name on first base.
The guy that gets...
That’s it.
Who gets the money...
He does, every dollar of it. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Whose wife?
What’s the guy’s name on first base?
It’s not Alvarez. Alvarez is on second.
I’m not asking you who’s on second.
Hu’s on first.
I don’t know. Now who’s playing third base?
No, Hu’s on first, Gomez is on third.
Who’s playing third base?
Why do you insist on putting Hu on third base?
What am I putting on third?
No. Alvarez is on second.
I don’t know.
Third base!
Wait, scratch that, Gomez is on third base.
Look, you gotta outfield?
The left fielder’s name?
Who’s playing right field?
Hu’s playing first.
I want to know, what’s the guy’s name in right field?
Oh, that’s Phil Bullock.
Didn’t he use to play for the Mets?
No, you’re thinking of Hideki Idontnoe.

Also by Michael Colton:
First Draft: The Empire Strikes Back
OK, I Did It Again

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