Modern Humorist - Fall 2002 TV Preview
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Greetings, friends, and welcome to the Fall 2002 TV Preview. Feel free to call me "Dad" or "Pops" or "VP Development/West Coast."

Americans turn to television in times of need, and right now we need it more than ever. So television has cooked up a heaping helping of "comfort food" featuring your favorite comforting stars like Bill Bellamy and Jennie Garth. Enjoy the new shows! This fall, the healing can finally begin.



Produced by Dick Clark, this drama focuses on Meg, a rebellious teenage girl who confronts the tumult of the 60s by appearing on "American Bandstand." A future episode depicts Meg running away to compete on "$25,000 Pyramid" instead of experimenting with LSD and protesting the war in Vietnam.

Soleil Moon Frye stars in this new series, in which she wears nothing but muu-muus, bulky sweaters, sandwich boards and suits of armor.

Hamstrung by budget cuts due to Katie Couric’s massive paycheck, NBC’s morning show scales back its newsgathering operations considerably.

This musical drama tracks the rise and fall of Bob Geldof’s 70s punk/pop group, the Boomtown Rats. Think Josie and The Pussycats, but with five o’clock shadow and reeking of Glenlivet.

Think "Meet the Parents," but with — Shhh. Shhh, don’t cry, it’s gonna be okay. Don’t worry, it’ll be gone soon.

The National Broadcasting Company Inc, a subsidiary of General Electric has entrusted me, the NBC Fall Season Automatic Pilot, to tell you, the NBC Automatic Viewer, about the wondrous new season of our top rated hit television programs. Some of the major questions for this scintillating new season of programming include:

"Friends": Will (MALE CHARACTER) and (FEMALE CHARACTER) engage in sexual intercourse or not?
"Frasier": Will (CHARACTER) finally find a meaningful relationship despite (GENDER PRONOUN) maddening quirks?
"ER": Will the show continue to be a powerhouse after the beloved (ACTOR) leaves the show?
"Will & Grace": Can you believe that (SEXLESS HOMOSEXUAL CHARACTER) would (SAY/DO) that outrageous thing with the (GUEST CHARACTER OF HIGH STATION) in the room?

A strange man in a strange place, John Doe is stricken with crippling amnesia and tragic good looks. Who is he? Where did he come from? Does the FBI have records of his emergence? What about the INS? Who’s keeping track of this stuff? What, is this country just going to shit now? Who can I trust? What are you looking at?

Bill Bellamy stars in this hour-long excuse to play The Eagles "Life in the Fastlane" every episode.

From the unconventional mind of innovative TV wunderkind Joss Whedon comes a new series of startling originality. A captain and his odd lot of a crew voyage among distant planets, encountering conflict and wonder at each stop. Their journey is a bold one, going where no man has g— Hey… Wait a goddamn minute. Shelly? I’m going to need to see Joss. Yes, now. I don’t care what fan site he’s talking to, get that punk in here.

Get to know the Wilde family – Mom, Dad, and their seven children, all born on the same day. The kids are turning sixteen now, and they’re just beginning to navigate the minefield of life, love, and learning. Join a very special family on a voyage of discovery! Oh, did we mention that they’re conjoined?

The producer of "Just Shoot Me" brings us a sitcom set in the 1950s, an artistic departure from his favored milieu—razor-sharp satire of the contemporary workplace. Warning: "Oliver Beene" has been proven to stunt intellectual growth in laboratory children. Viewers who would like to learn about life during the Cold War are advised to read a goddamn book.

A family of ground worms set out to see America, dodging predatory birds, damaging crops everywhere they go, and helping people who’ve hit tough times discover the sustaining power of Jesus Christ.

David E. Kelley promises that his new legal series is free of miniskirts and will explore what female attorneys really talk about behind closed doors: how they wish they could wear miniskirts because they facilitate quickies in the office.

My name is Jack Bauer. Last year you witnessed the longest day of my life in one season. Get ready to witness the day after the longest day of my life. The pace is a little more manageable, trust me. It begins with "The Early Show," ends with "Charlie Rose" and there’s a whole lot of Funyuns in between.

A hot new reality show where Mark McKinney (Kids in the Hall) and Mark Linn-Baker (Perfect Strangers) tour North America and introduce themselves to people, make small talk, sometimes go to Starbucks for a scone. It’s not a date, okay? No pressure, no promises. Just meeting new people.

The long running reality show, blah blah redneck, blah blah cracker, blah wife beater, blah shirtless moron, trailer park blah blah. Blah blah ashamed to live in a country where blah toothless blah blah nuke Huntsville and put us all out of our misery.

Think there’s nothing "entertaining" about CEDRIC, the Consumer and Economic Development Research and Information Center? See how "entertaining" running a small business can be without CEDRIC’s resources—including working papers on economic conditions, fair lending standards and topics of interest to woman- and minority-owned enterprises.

Forest Whitaker explores the unexplained, including how much raw tonnage of dirt is needed to shovel on Rod Serling’s grave before he stops turning over.

Matthew Fox is haunted. Haunted by vision that he may not be who everyone says he is. He might secretly be Scott Wolf or one of those other bland white guys. He goes to bed each night praying to not become Joseph Lawrence, and awakes with a secret hope to be Scott Foley, just so he can see the "Alias" girl naked.

Half TV show, half commercials. Although in syndication it’ll end up being 13 minutes of show, 17 minutes of commercials.

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