VERY FEW PEOPLE are masters of the spontaneous comeback, the perfect retort at the perfect time. They are: Daphne Wilson of Santa Rosa, California; Abraham Kalidis of Athens, Greece; and Hasana Yurubi of Sokoto, Nigeria. For the rest of us, hindsight is 60 Minutes. Here are some of the things I wish I'd said:
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To the waiter, when he spilled soup on me:
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"Looks like soup's on me tonight! That is, I will be paying for soup tonight! Paying dearly, I mean! Dearly in money!"
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To my boss, when she fired me:
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"Yeah? Well you're too late, because I fire you!"
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To the surgeon, when he told me I had a brain tumor:
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"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that—it's probably just a normal part of my head."
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To my ex-lover, when she walked out the door:
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"That's the wrong door, ex-lover—you just walked yourself into Narnia!"
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To my mother, when she first held me in her arms:
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"Hey, we could make a movie out of this, where I'm a baby and I talk."
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To the border guard, when he asked if I was transporting any illegal substances:
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"No."
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To George Washington Carver, when he showed me his first peanut:
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"Nice, but how many hundreds of things can you make with it?"
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To the Virgin Mary, when she rejected my advances:
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"You're probably right—we're two very different people."
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To the lion, when at the zoo:
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"You may be king of the jungle, but that means absolutely nothing to me."
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To myself, when looking in the mirror:
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"Hello there! Nice to see you again."
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