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Dear Convict,
P is for the prison laundry, where you excel!
A is for "ASS WHIPPER"the nifty tattoo on your scalp
R is for the razor you hid in your rectumso clever!
O is for obscenities, which you skillfully scream at the guards
L is for lice-free (almost)!
E is for the execution date you avoidedthe governor must really like you!
D is for dignity, which you displayed during your orifice search
E is for the exercise yard, where you strangled Sneaky Pete
N is for your 19 weeks in solitaryyou set a new record!
I is for incident-free in the shower! Hooray!
E is for Elwood, the rat you love as a friend D is for D-blockwhere youll be staying! Yippee!
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Dear Kidney Patient,
Kenny the Kidney says, "Shucks! I sure would like to replace your old kidney, but Im already assigned to someone else! But dont feel bad: Not having a kidney makes you unique!"
(P.S.Congratulations on the weight loss.)
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Dear Student,
Thank you for your interest in our university. We have reviewed your transcripts and determined you are not a human but an enormous living brain. In fact, some of us here believe you are a being of pure intellect roaming free throughout the universe, unrestrained by physical form. While this would make unnecessary your request for a dorm room, we feel our students and faculty would be unable to comprehend your existence in our world. We hope you find a university capable of challenging your obviously superior mind.
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Dear Loan Applicant,
Thank you so much for requesting a loan!
We were ever so sorry to hear of your home.
What a terrible shame it got crushed by a truck!
What a terrible shame that youre so short of bucks.
Oh, how wed love to write you a check!
Oh, if your credit wasnt such a wreck!
How sad it is then we must write you this letter,
But heres something we know will make you feel better:
We think youre super and special and neat!
Were sure in ten years youll be back on your feet.
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Dear Ken,
We just reviewed your piece and we are in AWE of your brilliance. We have erected a huge shrine; an altar built from the pages of Shakespeare, Dickens, and Joyceall worthless now except to glorify youand placed your manuscript upon it, surrounding it with candles and incense and rose petals. Each day we fall to our knees and savor your glittering prose, your vast superiority not only to us but to all of mankind. Extraterrestrials could use your powerful piece to fuel their ships and travel through space, though of course their only destination would be our office, where they would bask in the presence of your divine, magnificent work
which does not meet the current editorial needs of Modern Humorist. Sorry.
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More humorous correspondence:
Dear Deadbeat
A Guide to Netiquette
Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
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