Modern Humorist - P.S. I Love You
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Dear Convict,

P is for the prison laundry, where you excel!
A is for "ASS WHIPPER"—the nifty tattoo on your scalp
R is for the razor you hid in your rectum—so clever!
O is for obscenities, which you skillfully scream at the guards
L is for lice-free (almost)!
E is for the execution date you avoided—the governor must really like you!

D is for dignity, which you displayed during your orifice search
E is for the exercise yard, where you strangled Sneaky Pete
N is for your 19 weeks in solitary—you set a new record!
I is for incident-free in the shower! Hooray!
E is for Elwood, the rat you love as a friend
D is for D-block—where you’ll be staying! Yippee!

Dear Kidney Patient,
Kenny the Kidney says, "Shucks! I sure would like to replace your old kidney, but I’m already assigned to someone else! But don’t feel bad: Not having a kidney makes you unique!"
(P.S.—Congratulations on the weight loss.)

Dear Student,
Thank you for your interest in our university. We have reviewed your transcripts and determined you are not a human but an enormous living brain. In fact, some of us here believe you are a being of pure intellect roaming free throughout the universe, unrestrained by physical form. While this would make unnecessary your request for a dorm room, we feel our students and faculty would be unable to comprehend your existence in our world. We hope you find a university capable of challenging your obviously superior mind.

Dear Loan Applicant,

Thank you so much for requesting a loan!
We were ever so sorry to hear of your home.
What a terrible shame it got crushed by a truck!
What a terrible shame that you’re so short of bucks.

Oh, how we’d love to write you a check!
Oh, if your credit wasn’t such a wreck!

How sad it is then we must write you this letter,
But here’s something we know will make you feel better:
We think you’re super and special and neat!
We’re sure in ten years you’ll be back on your feet.

Dear Ken,
We just reviewed your piece and we are in AWE of your brilliance. We have erected a huge shrine; an altar built from the pages of Shakespeare, Dickens, and Joyce—all worthless now except to glorify you—and placed your manuscript upon it, surrounding it with candles and incense and rose petals. Each day we fall to our knees and savor your glittering prose, your vast superiority not only to us but to all of mankind. Extraterrestrials could use your powerful piece to fuel their ships and travel through space, though of course their only destination would be our office, where they would bask in the presence of your divine, magnificent work… which does not meet the current editorial needs of Modern Humorist. Sorry.

More humorous correspondence:
Dear Deadbeat
A Guide to Netiquette

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Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.