FROM: UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY-GENERAL TO: WEAPONS INSPECTORS RE: IRAQ -- PROCEDURES AND ETIQUETTE Congratulations on being selected as a UN weapons inspector. You are about to embark on an exciting and highly dangerous adventure! Please be aware that Iraqi customs and folkways may be very different from what you are used to at home, and that at this point the slightest faux-pas will start a war. Bon Voyage, Kofi Annan MEETING YOUR HOST Your Iraqi hosts are from a different religious background. Like you, they do not like to feel proselytized. Avoid religiously-charged greetings and expressions whenever possible. Such expressions include: "Merry Christmas" "For Pete's Sake" "May Jesus Christ Have Mercy on Your Heathen Soul" When introduced to your host's veiled wife, it is inappropriate to: - Ask if she's all "Phantom of the Opera" under there - Remark upon the presence of "junk in the trunk" - Sensuously peel back her garments and check for illegal weapons When your host invites you to play pool, refrain from saying: "Why don't Iraq and you break?" Also, be aware that your visit will take place during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan. Once again: Ramadan has absolutely no connection to the popular chain of mid-priced hotels. LOOKING FOR STUFF Be aware that your Iraqi hosts may have attempted to conceal biological, chemical or nuclear weapons. Try some of these common hiding places first: - Kitchen cupboards - Rotating bookcases - Innocuous-looking steel drums labeled "Circus Peanuts" - Wall safes obscured by oil portraits of Saddam Hussein - Behind Iraqi soldiers who are whistling casually and rolling their eyes in a pantomime of innocence Should you find what you believe to be a chemical, biological or nuclear agent, do the following: Step 1: Dip index finger in suspected agent. Step 2: Place index finger on tip of tongue. Step 3: Gruffly exclaim, "It's pure." Step 4: See a doctor immediately. FINDING STUFF YOU WEREN'T EVEN LOOKING FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE In the course of your search, you may unwittingly uncover Osama bin Laden. If so, do not panic. Send a S.A.S.E. to: "I Found Osama" Central Intelligence Agency Washington, DC 20559 Or log onto www.ifoundosama.com Then stall him with small talk until the arrival of U.S. Special Forces or Hellfire missiles. ENCOUNTERING SADDAM HUSSEIN It has been widely reported that Saddam Hussein often employs doubles who stand in for him during public appearances. Only intense scrutiny will ultimately confirm whether you are talking to Saddam Hussein or Cheech Marin. ENCOUNTERING RESISTANCE The UN resolution accepted by Saddam grants you, as a representative of the UN, total access to any site in Iraq. Nonetheless, you may still encounter resistance. If so, you may employ the following Security Council-approved methods of entrance: - Flash your laminated '02 Weapons Inspection Iraqi World Tour All-Access Pass. - Pretend to be a film crew from "MTV Cribs" - Slip the guard a Saddam Hussein (50-dinar note). If that doesn't work, try slipping him a Saddam Hussein (1000-dinar note).