"On the 13th of December, 1973, French journalist Rael was contacted by a visitor from another planet, asked to establish an embassy to welcome these people back to Earth. The extraterrestrial was about 4 feet in height, had long dark hair, almond-shaped eyes, olive skin and exuded harmony and humor."

Note: The harmony and humor exuded by the aliens has the ability to eat through metal.

Q: What is Clonaid?
A: Clonaid is a Dutch company specializing in cloning and clone-related business solutions. They also sponsor Clon-AID, an annual three-day music fest: The 2003 lineup includes Neil Young, Willie Nelson and the Foo Fighters. Proceeds from the show benefit the cloning of wealthy, barren Americans and Dutch lesbians. Following this theme, the company’s mascot is an energetic cartoon petri dish named “The Clonaid Man.” This delightful fellow bursts through brick walls startling small children and uttering his immortal catchpraphse, “Oh Yeah! Who’s ready for some refreshing moral and ethical dilemmas?!”

Q: Does the world really need more Dutch lesbians?
A: For this question we’ll refer you to an expert on the subject of Dutch lesbians, aging “shock” comic Andrew Dice Clay:

You: “Does the world really need more Dutch lesbians?”
The Diceman: “Not if they look anything like that Brigette Boisselier chick! Oh!”

[Snaps fingers, loosens shirt collar to indicate temperature rise in room due to the severity of his punchline.]

Q: What are the possible benefits of human cloning?
A: The benefits of cloning range from organ harvesting to finding a cure for diseases through stem cell research. Also, if you have, like, an itch in the middle of your back and you can’t reach it your clone could go out and buy a backscratcher for you. Now that’s problem solving.

Q: What do the Raelians plan to do if they actually create a clone baby?
A: What don’t they plan to do?! Dress them all in adorable matching sailor suits, sell them all to wandering gypsies, train them to become an unholy army of the night. Let’s just say the Raelians have some ideas.

Q: What kind of legislation is being passed in the U.S. to ban human cloning?
A: Only four states have banned any type of cloning research: California, Michigan, Rhode Island, and Louisiana. So feel free to clone away in any other states. But remember that if you sodomize your clone in Virginia, you’ll go to jail.

Q: Sure the Raelians are full of crap, but isn’t it possible that there are already clones living among us?
A: Yes, this is a distinct possibility. Just go down to any mall and check out the young kids' fashions. They all look the same! Oh!

But seriously, we must consider the very real possibility that clones are walking among us. They could be bagging our groceries, driving our buses, answering our frequently asked questions. For instance, somewhere right now a comedian, long since past his television appearances and movies, could be building an army of clones in order to mount a comeback of staggering evil proportions.

Q: Are you saying that Andrew Dice Clay cloned himself?
A: Run. Run now.