The following introductions were all found in Bruce Villanch’s wastebasket.
He still believes in a place called Hope. She was in "Hope Floats." Please welcome Bill Clinton and Sandra Bullock.
He played Fat Bastard. She sleeps with one. Please welcome Mike Myers and Lara Flynn Boyle.
She's the daughter of a "Fifth Beatle." He makes people eat beetles. Please welcome Norah Jones and Joe Rogan.
She won an Oscar for a four-minute performance in "Shakespeare in Love." He possesses a total of four facial expressions. Please welcome Dame Judi Dench and Vin Diesel.
He battled an animated corpse in "The Mummy." She lets an animated corpse call her "mommy." Please welcome Brendan Fraser and Mrs. Larry King.
He invented the internal combustion engine. He played Mr. Conductor in "Thomas the Tank Engine." Please welcome Nickolaus A. Otto and Alec Baldwin.
He carries around a big staff wherever he goes. So does he. Please welcome Moses and Ron Jeremy.
He was the chief counsel to Senator Joseph McCarthy. She diapers her husband. Please welcome the late Roy Cohn and Catherine Zeta-Jones.
In 826 AD, he drove the Norsemen out of Brittany. In 2002, he banged Britney. Please welcome King Alain Barb-Tort and Fred Durst.
He's the host of Inside the Actor's Studio. She's had half the Actors Studio inside her. Please welcome James Lipton and Shelley Winters.
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More Oscar Week 2003:
Oscar Ballot ’03
A Nose is a Nose
A Day-Lewis and a Dollar Short
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