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Who Will Win:
Ha! A film called "Adaptation," which is about writer Charlie Kaufman's struggle to adapt a book for the screen, gets nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay. That’s such a meta conceit, it makes my head hurt!
Enjoy the rest of this piece.
Yrs,
Charlie Kaufman
Who Will Win:
The Academy is clearly going to make themselves look hip here by giving the award to the edgiest song. Though Paul Simon’s blistering ode to a family of zoologists living in Africa comes close, I’m going to have to go with Eminem. And it’s worth noting that should Eminem win, he’ll be the first rapper ever to do so in this category. It’s also worth noting that if he wins, he’ll be the 72nd white person to be honored.
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Best Visual Effects
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The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
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Spiderman
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Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
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Who Will Win:
"The Two Towers" is clearly the front-runner here: flying dragons, epic battles, talking trees. It’s just too bad that Steve Buscemi didn’t get nominated for his portrayal of Gollum.
Who Will Win:
Walken’s the front-runner. The academy likes to reward an actor at the peak of his career, and the next year alone will feature Walken in "Kangaroo Jack 2," "The Country Bears 2: Back to the Country" and "Poolhall Junkies 2: Still Poolin’."
Who Will Win:
All hail the Queen!
(The Queen of Petty Lawsuits, Catherine Zeta-Jones!)
Who Will Win:
This year’s race is a bit wider than usual as no one played a retard or an eccentric genius or an eccentric retard. So I’m going with Day-Lewis since he’s previously portrayed both geniuses and retards. Also, he wears a stovepipe hat and a curly mustache in his film, and that has to count for something.
Who Will Win:
[For this category we’re throwing to Modern Humorist’s resident style guru, Steven Cojocaru.]
"It’s the ugly nose versus the unibrow in this race. Thankfully, Diane Lane’s people made her tweeze before the SAGs. Julianne Moore on the other hand…Blecch! Visit your favorite plastic surgeon, sister! Stat! By the way, I have no discernible talent or experience in any field."
Who Will Win:
This is a no-brainer. The winner will be the most talented of the bunch, a legend among filmmakers whose work has been influential since the early 1970s. Someone who should have received this award ages ago for his previous accomplishments. That’s right, it’s you, Mr. Polanski. Come on over and accept the recognition you so greatly deserve. Come and let your Hollywood peers honor your— Roman, don’t! It’s a trap! They put me up to this! The second you set foot in the country they’ll be on you faster than Scorsese on an Antonioni retrospective. They said they’d hurt my family if I didn’t cooperate!
Who Will Win:
[The following is the text of an editorial by Oscar-winning director Robert Wise, ghostwritten by a publicist at Miramax.]
Hello, Oscar pool participants. I want to take a moment to urge you to bet on "Chicago." Using my expertise as a winner of somewhere between two and four Oscars, I've determined that a bet on "Chicago" is the smart bet. I know you're probably torn between placing your bet on "Chicago" and "Gangs of New York." I suggest you compromise: Bet on "Chicago" but go see "Gangs of New York" in a theater four or five times. That way, everyone wins! Also, if you are hosting an Oscar party, why not skip the pre-show for another viewing of "Shakespeare in Love"? That's not a mere "movie," that's a film. Thanks so much for your time. "View from the Top" opens March 21.
Who Will Win:
Though this category could have a surprise or two, Sheen will likely take it for his pre-show rant about "no blood for oil" to confused "Access Hollywood" correspondent Nancy O’Dell.
Who Will Win:
James Coburn has the most industry cred. On the other hand, Richard Harris could edge out the competition thanks to his recent turns in the "Harry Potter" films. But in the end, it’ll be the most popular choice that’ll take it. Congrats, Dudley! See you at Elton John’s after party!
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