Debate 1

Date: October 31, 2000, 4:30 a.m.

Location: The Ronald Reagan Library

Media outlet: CBS immediately following "Big Brother"

Moderators: The hosts of "The View"

Order: The speaking order will be determined by a coin toss. The coin will be an American quarter. Each candidate will attempt to toss the quarter so that it bounces off the table and into a beer stein.

Format: This debate will not include opening statements, closing statements or responses from the other guy.

Duration: If Governor Bush needs to figure out how much longer the debate is going to last, cameras must not show Governor Bush glancing at his watch. The debate will end when the little hand is on the ten and the big hand is on the twelve.

Debate 2

Format: Two moderators. Tipper dances throughout debate.

Debate 3

Date: October 31, 2000, 9:00 p.m.

Location: Texas

Media outlet: C-SPAN3

Moderator: Lynne Cheney

Format: Before responding to any question from an audience member, the candidates will be given an opportunity to ask the audience member a question of comparable difficulty. If the audience member is unable to answer it in a substantive way without dancing around the issue, his or her question will be discarded.

Audience composition: American citizens under the age of 10

Forbidden question topics: Any war in which the U. S. was involved from 1965 to 1975 Foreign leaders except Mexico The Department of the Interior Math What goes on inside Skull and Bones Room 322.

Acceptable question topics: The Texas Rangers from 1989-1998. However, questions about the wisdom of trading Sammy Sosa are prohibited. How many 12-oz cups in a keg The plot of Dr. Seuss's "Hop on Pop"

Equipment: Before answering any question, Gore has to take a hit from a helium balloon.

Debate 4

Date: November 8, 2000, 6:00 a.m.

Location: Kennebunkport, Maine

Media outlets: Closed circuit television at the Omaha airport

Equipment: Due to the recent event involving an unintentionally open microphone, all microphones will be turned off for the duration of the debate.

Before the debate: If Gore can kiss his wife, Bush gets to kiss Gore's daughters.

Moderator: Jesus Christ

Audience composition: Anyone but that major-league cocksucking fuckwad bitch jackoff liberal asshole Adam Clymer.

Format: Each candidate gets three do-overs.