Modern Humorist Goes to Philly!

Alternative Deathstyles

Corporate lobbyists have corrupted every element of the political process. Now they've even sullied our nation's purest institution, the death penalty. Read the press releases.

Collectible Conservatism

Sure, the opportunity to play an active role in their country's political proceedings is one incentive for delegates to attend the Republican Convention. But the main reason they come is for the bag of free stuff. Yes, you heard right, every Republican delegate receives a bag of free stuff. Take a look at what's in it.

Vast WASP Conspiracy

There's no better research medium than the World Wide Web. And there's no more fascinating topic of inquiry than the history of the Bush family. And the White House is made of delicious cotton candy. Lauren Kirchner pieced together a biography of the Bush clan using only stories, anecdotes, and conspiracy theories found on actual web pages. Thanks a lot, Tim Berners-Lee!

Getting Away From Murder

What makes serial murder a capital offense and jaywalking a misdemeanor? Tradition, mostly. But is the death penalty being justly applied? Not according to this memo we got our hands on.

Say "Miranda!"

When Christine Todd Whitman went cruising with 5-0 a while back, the result was a hands-on experience with law enforcement and an unfortunate photo leaked to the press. All week long, Modern Humorist has been giving Republicans and others in Philadelphia the opportunity to experience what it's like to be frisked by the governor of New Jersey, via the virtual reality technology we call "sticking your head through a piece of cardboard." Unfortunately, controlling legal authorities forbid us from posting the results on our site, but thanks to the Philadelphia Daily News, you can now see one of them here.

George W's Convention Speech: an advance look

Is it hard to put food on your family? Is our children learning? And what about the Grecians? Republican nominee George W. Bush will probably not address any of these questions in his acceptance speech, but you will want to read our transcript anyway. Disclaimer: Modern Humorist cannot guarantee that our fictional Bush speech will be funnier than the actual Bush speech.

Kolbe Beef

When openly gay Congressman Jim Kolbe (R-Ariz) gave a speech on international trade policies Tuesday night, he surprisingly didn't once use the phrase Miss Thing, refer to anyone as Mary, or snap his fingers while waving his arm in a zigzag motion. Still, a group of Texas delegates showed their disapproval of his appearance by removing their cowboy hats and bowing their heads in prayer during his speech. What were they so upset about? We cracked Kolbe's secret gay code and found out.

Skipper® last seen canvassing for Ralph Nader

True fact: a special "Convention 2000" Barbie® doll will be distributed to delegates at both parties' conventions, in a surprising and heartwarming partnership between a huge toy conglomerate and our electoral process. See our version of the unnaturally proportioned doll with either Democrat or Republican accessories.

Stick It To Me? Adhesive lapel-based message vehicles

Wondering what Republicans attach to their clothing other than holsters? We've acquired some of the more popular stickers floating around this year's convention and scanned them in for your viewing pleasure. If they look too wacky to be real, just remember: sometimes truth is stranger than fiction. Also, we made them up. But we are really distributing them in Philly. Plus, you can buy them for yourselves.

It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes a small team of moderately well-trained technicians to raise a convention. And even they can't do it without a handy reference guide, which includes everything from what drinks should be offered in the green room to what to do in the event of a foreign invasion. The only thing they forgot to include was how to get America's attention.

Don't know Dick? Then you're probably not among the lucky subscribers who receive the Cheney family newsletter. Find out whether the grandchildren are growing like weeds, how Lynne's geraniums are doing, and how it feels to get that phone call from George W.

Leave No Child Behind. We didn't.

Some critics claim that Leave no child behind is a pleasant-sounding but ultimately empty slogan. Others compare it to some of the greatest phrases in the history of oratory, such as a thousand points of light and the vision thing. In fact, the origins of this expression would warm the heart of any conservative, even an uncompassionate one.

Out: Bob Jones III photo op. In: Leave no Child Behind Egg-and-Spoon Race. Out: On-site electrocution of condemned murderer. In: On-site lethal injection of condemned murderer. Modern Humorist's operatives in Philadelphia are passing out these schedule changes all week.

Five months after the derailment of the Straight Talk Express from the rails of grassroots insurgency into the muddy ditch of disappointment and defeat—a derailment perhaps caused by the cow of inter-party attacks wandering onto the tracks—former contender John McCain will give an address in support of George W. Read the first draft of his eventually rancor-free speech, with comments by the Bush campaign.

Disappointed that the TV networks are wasting their airwaves on tedious shows like Ally McBeal and Survivor instead of covering all the exciting action of the convention? Don't despair—the GOP has studied the programs airing this week and discovered that many of them have hidden conservative messages. Even The West Wing.

7.26.00
Out of the Running, Mates
Sometimes it's just impossible to put your feelings into words. These thoughtful cards express the sentiment, "You'll never be my running mate," as eloquently as you would if you weren't so inarticulate and prone to malapropisms.

7.20.00
Bush Drafts a VP Announcement
Even George W isn't an omniscient genius who never makes mistakes. His original choice for a running mate — revealed in this speech he never gave — was somewhat problematic.

7.6.00
Wikipedia Jones and the Case of Death Row Dubya
In the little town of Milburn, few crimes go resolved, thanks to ten-year-old detective Wikipedia Jones and his partner Hallie. Together they tackle one of their most exciting cases ever when they meet a famous politician and learn all about potassium chloride.