Before I explain
why I should be your next president, I want to make clear
that rumors of my reckless activities in elementary school
are hogwash. I don't know who is spreading stories about
me eating Pop Rocks and drinking soda at the same time,
but I do know that I never did that. Whoever is percolating
these myths is a liar. I will see to it that his pants
are set on fire.
Liars have also
been saying that my V.P. Dick Cheney hasn't voted in the
last three student government elections. This is ridiculous.
Dick is one of the most political students herewho
can forget his dramatic Model U.N. season as the leader
of South Africa? He boldly faced down public opinion by
keeping apartheid in place and Nelson Mandela in jail.
That, Joey Lieberman, is chutzpah.
I would also
like to respond to reports that I called Adam Clymer of
the Middle School Times a "major-league b-hole." This
is totally untrue. Besides, you should have heard what
he said about my mother at recess.
Now let's talk
about my record. Over the last two semesters, I have proven
myself a Hall Monitor with Results. As Monitor of the
T Hall, the largest in school, I carried through important
reforms by firmly prosecuting tardy students. It is true
the population of "Wedgie Row" has swelled under my watch,
but I assure you that all are guilty. Their punishment
is both compassionate, and conservative. Though I know
this has been a controversial policy, I hope to be a uniter,
not a long-divisioner. I even want to include people who
don't look just like me. That is why I want to say to
Alejandro Gonzalez, the Mexican exchange student, "Your
vote es muy importante to me, chico."