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Fall Schedules: ABC | CBS | NBC | FOX | WB | UPN | CABLE
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Monday-Friday, 11:30 p.m.
Riding the reality TV trend, Ted Koppel will report only on true stories.
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Friday, 8:00 p.m.
Two guys keep one hand on a girl for as long as they can. Whoever lasts the longest wins a new pickup truck, the Nissan Pathfinder XE with 3.5 liter V-6 engine, power-assisted rack-and-pinion steering, four-wheel ABS, front-and-rear cup holders and dual illuminated visor vanity mirrors.
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Tuesday, 8:00 p.m.; Wednesday, 8:00 p.m.; Thursday, 9:00 p.m.; Sunday, 9:00 p.m.
Because not enough contestants are winning the top prize, all of the questions in the new season of "Millionaire" will be, like the show’s title, rhetorical. When host Regis Philbin asks, "Why do you turn down the car radio when you’re looking for a street sign?" a contestant can advance by raising her eyebrows and nodding her head. Call (212) 946-1381 for an all-new qualifying test. You do want to be a millionaire, don't you?
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Sunday, 10:00 p.m.
Fresh from library science school, contestants must live in the Mid-Manhattan Library while cataloguing both the circulating and general reference collections—in the nude, chained together and with their jaws wired shut. And covered in chocolate pudding. |
Monday-Friday, 6:30 p.m.
Sam Donaldson has traded his suit and tie for a safari jacket and cargo shorts, and he keeps telling Ralph Nader to extinguish his torch. Just like "Survivor," the winner of "Tribal Decision 2000" becomes president of the United States. |
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Wednesday, 10 p.m.
Dr. Ben Gideon (Andre Braugher) is the voice of reason, empathy and wisdom in a world of medical chaos, bureaucracy and hypocrisy. He is disease's mortal enemy, fighting for all patients, rich and poor. There’s only one problem: He’s allergic to certain types of nuts. Starring peanuts and walnuts as those types of nuts.
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Tuesday, 9:30 p.m.
Geena Smith (Geena Davis) was a normal-size woman until a nuclear accident turned her into a freakishly tall mutant. Watch as she fights crime using her incredible powers of height and toothiness. Featuring Billy Bob Thornton as arch-villain Renny Harlin.
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Tuesday, 9:00 p.m.
Who says opposites attract? Dharma (Jenna Elfman), a free-spirited yoga teacher, finally meets her true love through a nature-phone sex line. Greg (Greg Buis from "Survivor") steals her heart, whispering "everything not forbidden is compulsory." Join these two bohemians in search of "immunity" on their cross-country adventures, running from bears, the law and Dharma’s square husband (Thomas Gibson).
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Miniseries, Oct. 27-30
Stephen King here, bringing you the beginning of a thrilling yarn about a scary plant. But Chapter Two will never become a miniseries unless enough people buy the products advertised during the show. Viewers, this is your chance to become Big Television's biggest nightmare. That's right. Teach them a lesson they'll never forget by supporting their advertisers, o my children of the dark.
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Friday, 9:30 p.m.
Gay architect Benjamin Madigan (Gabriel Byrne), after ending a long-term relationship with a buff fireman, has to learn how to date again. His gay 16-year-old son Luke helps him out with advice, and even Benjamin’s ornery gay father Seamus seems to think he can teach Benjamin a thing or two about having sex with men. Also, the entire family is Irish.
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Sunday, 8:00 p.m.
"Dad, don’t act like you’re trapped in a box…Why can’t I have a normal father! I hate you!"
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Friday, 8:30 p.m.
Ever feel like you’re being watched? Like those around you are taking just a little too much interest in your every move? Why not give Jon Cryer and the rest of the "Normal" cast that exact experience? Please? |
Miniseries, Nov. 6-9
For our second exploration of "Pinocchio" from another character's point of view, Drew Carey stars as Monstro the Whale. Why did Monstro eat Pinocchio? Maybe he didn't mean to hurt him. Whales are nice. I like whales. I like stickers, too, especially stickers with whales on them.
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Regis Reveals
How YOU
Can Become a
MILLIONAIRE!
Hi, Regis Philbin here. I host a program called Who Wants to be a Millionaire on ABC. Oh, you’ve heard of it? Well, now you can be on it.
You have two choices: become famous, and we’ll invite you on during Celebrity Week, or call our BRAND NEW phone number, complete with SUPER FANCY voice recognition technology. Pass our qualifying test, and you'll be sitting alarmingly close to me, Regis Philbin.
This call will make you think. It will challenge you in a way no other automated voicemail system ever has. And it will not in the least decrease your odds of being on the show. This is a real number, and it’s 100% REAL. Dial now!
ext goes h
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Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
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