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It's the holiday season's hottest purchase, but is PlayStation 2 right for you? These spec sheets will help you compare PS2 with other popular games, and explain what's inside PS2 and whether those rumors of imminent obsolescence are founded.

128-bit "Dream Maker"
128-bit "Emotion Engine"
Parallel-configured 2-ounce testis
Processor Speed
3 million polygons/second
20 million polygons/second
2 million sperm/second
Communications Interface
Built-in 56kbps modem
Optional broadband adaptor
N.A.—too profound to share with anyone
16 MB
32 MB
20 years
Most Popular Games
World Series Baseball 2K1, NFL2K1, Soul Caliber
SSX, Tekken Tag Tournament, Madden 2001
Babysitter's Blues, Stick Shift 2010, Apprentice Plumber's Pipe, Sexy Secretary's Sick Day
Most Popular Characters
Taut, buxom, Lara Croft-like heroines
Taut, buxom, Lara Croft-like heroines
Taut, buxom, Lara Croft-like heroines
Hand-eye coordination
Hand-eye coordination
Hand-penis coordination
Loss of imagination
Failure to promote actual physical exercise
Both of these, plus blindness

Everyone knows that PS2's 300 mHz processor renders it capable of mip-mapping, bi-linear filtering, anti-aliasing, texture-correction and Z-buffering, but at what system specifications do other capabilities kick in?

Processor speed Capability
100 mHz Simultaneously rendering four polygons at 800 x 600 dpi
150 mHz Emitting the smell of fear
160 mHz Emulating ColecoVision
180 mHz Making the nipples of Lara Croft appear "cold Jell-o" firm
190 mHz Giving Jason Remus of Racine, Wisconsin his first hard on
200 mHz Separating fact from innuendo
230 mHz Picking the perfect Christmas present for my bed-ridden, manic-depressive mother
260 mHz Provoking feelings of actual guilt and remorse after each Tekken hit
280 mHz Casting a magical spell that makes Player 1 and Player 2 best friends for 15 years, until a drunk and desperate Player 2 makes an awkward pass at Player 1's fiancee
300 mHz Doing all of the above in full color

PS2's Marketing Strategy against the Microsoft X-Box
  • Remind people that we're the international computer, electronics and media conglomerate they love, not the one they love to hate
  • Add new Betamax cassette player to interface to allow viewers to watch films at home at unprecedented resolution
  • Knock Gates down and break his glasses

More by Josh Greenman:
David Blaine's Diary

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FAQ: PlayStation 2