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For the first time in over six decades, the complete results of the U.S. Census have been released to an on-line humor site before being released to the general public. Surprising? Yes. Very surprising? No.

In keeping with our country's awesome tradition of sharing, we present here the results:

  Total number of Americans: 147,629,584 (*)

* including the North: 283,439,067


  Number of Americans who asked not to be counted due to low self-esteem: 76,502

  Number who asked to be counted twice: 3 (Deepak Chopra, Lady Liberty, Captain Morgan)

  Number who doodled on the form: 124,094,597

  Number whose doodles involved a personified Census 2000 stabbing a personified America with a pencil: 58,163,492

  Most frequent citizen gripe: "What, all of a sudden I count?"


  Percentage of Americans who identified their income level as "middle class": 100%

  Percentage who included at least one gun when counting their children: 64%

  Percentage who added the Census 2000 experience to their resumes, under "public service": 39%

  Percentage who thought they were applying to be king: 52%


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