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The alligator in the opening montage? Her cousin is a good friend of one of our interns. That’s just one of our sources for the exclusive "Survivor" spoilers we’ll be presenting in this space every week. The really juicy stuff is written in hidden text, so you won’t accidentally learn anything you can’t handle. The really, really juicy stuff is written in hidden text and rebus form.

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Our spoilers from last week turned out to be only 92% accurate. We are chagrined that we did not correctly predict that Kimmi’s victory chant would be, “I can eat a worm! I can eat a worm!” especially since we knew that her luxury item was a Jose Cuervo “Eat the Worm” t-shirt. We expect to do better this time.

Our sources confirm that food continues to be a source of conflict in episode three. Trouble begins early when Jerri accuses Tina of eating beef jerky and then vomiting it up. Later, Jerri convinces her tribe that Maralyn has been sneaking Mallomars. Maralyn denies the accusation, saying she was only eating sand. “Where did you find sand?” Jerri snaps back. “How did you know it wasn’t poisonous?” Still suspicious, Jerri waits until Maralyn is asleep and then removes her dentures to check them for chocolate stains.

Meanwhile, Keith attempts to reclaim his authority as Ogakor’s cook. Grateful for Colby’s rousing defense of his rice at the last Tribal Council, Keith announces a new slogan for his Michigan restaurant: “Where food goes down and doesn’t come back up.” Keith prepares smoked fish for breakfast the next morning, but he’s soon outdone again by Jerri, who explains, “I remembered that with eggs, hollandaise sauce and a thin slice of Canadian bacon you can make some sort of Benedict.” Keith responds with a lunch of confit de canard but when Colby announces that dinner’s mystery ingredient is abalone, Keith announces that he can not prepare an adequate meal “until we start sourcing great products and using proper Calphalon pans.” The Iron Chef is thus defeated. Afterwards, Jerri accuses Keith of secretly drinking a cold, frosty Bud Lite.

Kucha has even less success with food. “There are no fish in this water,” declares Nick, as the camera pans down to a school of trout. “Also, there are no token gay people,” says Alicia, as the camera pans to the nearest Internet projects manager. In an attempt to solve the food problem, Mike informs the tribe that he is a student of nutrition and reads aloud from his dissertation, “Changes In Total Serum Cholesterol In Response To A Decrease In Dietary Cholesterol And Modification Of The Amount And Type Of Dietary Fat: A Controlled Dietary Study.” Kimmi replies that it doesn’t matter, she’s still not going to eat raw cow brains, so Elisabeth takes Kimmi’s portion and braids it into her hair. Then Mike makes everyone join hands and thank God for making him the greatest leader since Moses, or at least Richard Hatch.

As seen in the previews, romance blossoms between Jerri and Colby. “I’m such a sucker for cowboys,” Jerri giggles. To which Colby replies, “What a coincidence! I’ve always been a sucker for backstabbing bitches.” Colby is especially pleased that Jerri is still using Kel’s razors to shave her legs, but he becomes wary when she straps them on to her talons. Jerri giggles again and announces that she saw Eduardo eating an entire wedding cake.

After Ogakor loses the immunity challenge, the tribe votes out Mitchell’s grandparents. Mitchell votes against them because they’ve been together 50 years, and that’s too strong an alliance. Everyone else votes against them because Jerri caught them eating Jeff Probst.

—Daniel Radosh

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Previous Spoilers:
Episode 2

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