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The Mummy Returns
Im-Ho-Tep the mummy is back to take Brendan Fraser’s soul and get his eight dollars refunded for "Monkeybone."

A Knight’s Tale
Blond pretty boy Heath Ledger pokes at other men with his long instrument from atop a stallion, while Queen blares on the soundtrack. Don’t forget your poppers!

This animated comedy is DreamWorks exec Jeffrey Katzenberg’s attack on his former employer, Disney. The film’s villain, Lord Farquaad, bears a strong resemblance to Disney chief Michael Eisner. In addition, Farquaad’s henchman, Assholo, looks remarkably like Katzenberg’s high school math teacher, Mr. Adams; the character of Fuckingjerk, the village idiot, distinctly resembles Jimmy Krumholtz, who used to beat up the puny Katzenberg during fourth-grade recess.

Moulin Rouge
Nicole Kidman stars a broken-down cabaret singer/prostitute dying of syphilis in Baz Lurhmann’s grittty take on late 19th-century Paris. Ewan McGregor plays her TB-infected lover and John Leguizamo turns up as the polio-crippled Toulouse-Lautrec. Features a musical score by David Bowie (suffering from cholera), Christina Aguilera (typhoid) and Pink (cancer of the tongue).

Pearl Harbor
An epic tale of the beginning of World War II. With Ben Affleck as Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Cuba Gooding, Jr. as Adolf Hitler, Kate Beckinsale as Japan, Josh Hartnett as the German-Soviet Nonaggression Pact and Alec Baldwin as a bloated stack of rationing coupons.

Haley Joel Osment stars as a vintage TRS-80 computer who wants to become a real human. Some pages from the script have been excerpted on

20 GOTO 10

It goes on like that for about forty-five minutes. Kubrick’s influence is manifest.

Tomb Raider
The raves for this one are already beginning:

"Wait for both drills to go past. Then take a running jump across the shaft to the opposite ledge, near the huge fan. Use the switch on the side of the metal block to open a trapdoor beyond the fan."—Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

"For a Running Jump & Grab, hit Up Arrow + Alt/Command/Square + Ctrl/X."—Gene Shalit, The Today Show

"Angelina Jolie lights up the screen!"—PC Gamer

In Southern and select Mid-Western states, this sci-fi comedy will be called "Creation," and the running time will be cut from nearly two hours to just under five minutes. Audience members who question the script or critique the acting will be given detention and threatened with expulsion.

Summer John Travolta Project
John Travolta ("Battlefield Earth," "Lucky Numbers") returns to movie screens this summer. The studio has asked us not to reveal the name of the project.

Love the movie? Then hop on board the Disney cruise ship, the S.S. Atlantis! Only the dream-crafters at Disney could make such an experience come to life. Hear that steam whistle? It’s your call to ocean-going adventure! You’ll stay in staterooms that are the grandest on the water. And look! It’s the cast of the animated epic "Atlantis," frolicking for your delight as you dine on huge portions of food named after them. Leonard Nimoy, the voice of the King of Atlantis, keeps the daquiris coming at the bar on Starboard Level 3.

Dr. Dolittle 2
What do you call a sequel to a remake? A "re-quel"? A "se-make"? A "cool way to blow $80 million"? Meanwhile, people are starving.

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