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FADE IN:
THE GANG, MINUS JOEY, IS GATHERED AROUND MONICA'S TV
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RACHEL
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Oh my God.
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ROSS
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Oh...my...GOD.
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MONICA
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I KNOW.
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CHANDLER
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Could this BE any more tragic?
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JOEY
(just arriving)
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Whoa! Cool movie! Hey, I auditioned for this one!
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RACHEL
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Joey, this really happened.
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JOEY
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No way.
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PHOEBE
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Way. That's what Anchor Guy is telling us.
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JOEY
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When did this happen?
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RACHEL
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Apparently last month.
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MONICA
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They're gonna need some help cleaning up. (Grabs a mop) Who's with me?
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CHANDLER
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Could you BE any more of an anal neat freak?
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MONICA
(annoyed)
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How about if I withhold sex? Am I anal then?
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CHANDLER
(cowed)
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Well, that depends. Are you withholding anal?
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JOEY
(thumbs up at CHANDLER)
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Dude...anal? Niiiice.
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PHOEBE
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You guys, how can you talk about anal sex at a time like this? Especially since the only reason this happened is because of pagans, gays, abortionists, and feminists like you. God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us--probably--what we deserve.
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ROSS
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Guys, we should find out if anyone we know was, you know, hurt.
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CHANDLER
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Everyone we know is in this room.
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MONICA
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It's no wonder we didn't hear about this. There was my wedding. And then Ross got married and divorced again. And there was Facial Tick Guy, that guy who came into Central Perk with the facial tick that we thought was so funny. And then there's the whole "Rachel's baby" thing.
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PAUSE AS AUDIENCE "OOOHS"
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RACHEL
(walks toward ROSS)
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Ross, it’s true. I'm pregnant.
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PAUSE AS AUDIENCE "OOOHS" AGAIN
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ROSS
(flustered)
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I… I’m… I just-- I’m so happy. This is great. This is even better than when you told me last week. I mean, now, with this thing, this tragedy thing, it’s just so much more emotional and resonant.
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RACHEL
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I love you, Ross.
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PAUSE FOR AUDIENCE "AWWWWS"
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JOEY
(thumbs up at ROSS)
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Dude...sex? Niiiiice.
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PHOEBE
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Another child born out of wedlock. Great. This is all your fault, Rachel. Thanks a lot.
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