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12.12.01
Inside Osama's Cave Hideaway
What kept Tora Bora from getting boring
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Clippings of recent Thomas Friedman columns, in which Al Qaeda research staff has circled where he may have a point
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DVD library including a fan edit of "True Lies" in which terrorists win
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Pin-ups of Ashleigh Banfield
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Retractable roof for sunny days
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Orange soda pipeline (Ever since he was a kid, Osama thought this would be the coolest thing.)
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Shower, including fog-proof mirror. Convenient for not grooming beard!
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Human resources/payroll dept.
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Cupboard filled with canned food (in case terrorists strike)
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Ratty old couch
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Nintendo Game Cube featuring Brett Favre's Islamic Jihad 2K2
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Stinger Missile with Merlot Chenile Throw
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Paul Wolfowitz droid (still in testing)
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Fire pole for sliding down to deeper recesses of Hell
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Water cooler
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Poisonous water cooler
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Pit where prisoners are held
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Basket in which it puts the lotion
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Poster instructing how to cause a choking hazard
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Altar where holy ark was placed, opened and its magical power unleashed. Process unexpectedly melted face of Ayman Al-Zawahiri.
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That guy from Dig Dug
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11.21.01 SUMMARY
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A 94 year old Connecticut woman was diagnosed with inhalation anthrax. Federal authorities have warned all Americans 92 years of age and older to be on guard for potentially imminent death, if they are not already dead.
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11.19.01 SUMMARY
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Top bin Laden deputy Mohammed Atef was reportedly killed in the latest round of U.S. airstrikes. As a result, bin Laden is reportedly now angry with the United States.
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U.S. warplanes Saturday bombed Taliban positions in two villages in Kunduz province for more than three hours, "just for old times' sake."
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The Senate and the House passed airport security legislation Friday, approving a deal that stipulates airport security be federal employees. The bill also requires that all terrorists carry photo identification.
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11.12.01 SUMMARY
The entertainment industry’s top leaders met in Beverly Hills yesterday with Karl Rove, the president’s senior adviser, to hammer out a specific agenda for the entertainment industry to aid the fight on terrorism. On their to-do list:
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Terminator 3 is unconditionally devoted to Allah.
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Produce Saturday morning superhero cartoons featuring firemen, postal officers, baggage handlers. Also, Disney will introduce a lovable cartoon character named "Bunker Buster."
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Change plot of all movies in development about terrorists plotting to destroy New York; make them about fucking asshole terrorists plotting to destroy New York.
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Remove all traces of white powder from "Blow."
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New "Spiderman" enemy: militant fundamentalism in all its forms.
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Include in "Harry Potter 2" actual spells that kick actual terrorist ass.
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Shoot "Lord of the Rings" cameo with Assistant Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz finishing off enemy (Sauron).
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Industrial Light and Magic: Make September 11th go away.
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Special instructions to porn directors: Fuck Taliban bitches extra hard.
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| 11.08.01 SUMMARY |
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In New York City, billionaire Republican Michael Bloomberg, having won the endorsement of Mayor Rudy Giuliani, defeated Democrat Mark Green. Green, who began the race as the heavy favorite, said that if he had to do it all over again, he would cut out the part where the terrorists destroy the World Trade Center.
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In California, a truck carrying flaming lumber was chased by police for nearly two hours. In the end, the driver was caught, read his rights, and congratulated on pulling off the kind of California crime spectacle that now seems so quaint and retro.
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The United States Postal Service is seeking $5 billion in appropriations from the federal government to offset damages from anthrax attacks and safeguard its systems and personnel from future threats. Postal Service officials requested the check be either FedExed or hand delivered.
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| 11.06.01 SUMMARY |
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California Governor Gray Davis stood by his claim that there were "credible threats" against California's most famous bridges. Jeff, Beau, and the late Lloyd are reportedly concerned about these threats and "disturbed" they have not received the recognition from the Academy they deserve. |
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Governor Davis responded to the threats by sending armed troops to the Golden Gate Bridge. The troops have been instructed to look out for a blimp containing Max Zorin (Christopher Walken), a brilliant-but-unstable industrialist who intends to corner the market on computer chips by destroying Silicon Valley with an earthquake. Grace Jones is his icy sidekick, Mayday.
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In the clearest indication yet that the American economy has entered recession, 415,000 Americans lost their jobs in October. However, in a slightly encouraging sign, 42 percent of the newly unemployed were let go for mouthing off to Leslie, their bitchy and controlling supervisor.
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The battle over how best to improve baggage screening at airports has turned bitterly partisan. House Republicans passed a plan that would keep private contractors in charge. Senate Democrats have put forward a bill that would make federal law enforcement agents responsible. And terrorists have put forward legislation that would let them walk right through with bombs and stuff.
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FBI Director Robert Mueller acknowledged that the government was no closer to determining who was responsible for the wave of anthrax-laced envelopes. He did urge Americans to "listen closely" for spooky music, "since that's usually audible when we're close to finding them." He also asked the public to be on the lookout for chiaroscuro lighting.
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Escalating the air campaign against the front line of Taliban troops, the United States brought in B-52 bombers. Also, the U.S. military has dimmed the lights and cranked up "Y'all Ready for This."
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| 10.24.01 SUMMARY |
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Tom Ridge told those mailing the anthrax to stop targeting the media and other political leaders. "Take me," he said, laying down his weapon. "I'm the one you want." He was, however, hiding another weapon in his waistband.
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Tests show the U.S. Capitol building is "93 to 94 percent" free from anthrax. A Capitol spokesperson commented, "As my daddy always said, 'Good enough for gub'ment work.'"
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Anthrax-laced letters sent to NBC News anchor Tom Brokaw and the New York Post contained an identical message and similar handwriting, and both were postmarked September 18. Superman marked the date down on his calendar and wondered whether, after he circles the earth at the speed of light to reverse the events of September 11th, it might be necessary to do so again to stop the letters from being sent, or whether one would take care of the other. Then he went back to bed.
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Because of the anthrax attacks, the fact that I have a truly annoying head cold received little or no attention.
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| 10.22.01 SUMMARY |
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Tom Ridge, the new head of the Office of Homeland Security, held a news conference to update the nation on the administration's response to the anthrax scares, and to bring reporters up to speed on the progress his office has made thus far. Ridge detailed his "gut-wrenching" search for a maple file cabinet to match his maple desk. "People keep telling me, 'All we've got is oak,'" said Ridge. "But we're living in a new world now. If I don't get my maple, the terrorists have won."
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An aide to Osama bin Laden was killed in Afghanistan when a grenade exploded in his hands. Reuters news agency, consistent with its policy, refused to call the man a "terrorist," but did call his death "downright comical," and did publish a photo of bin Laden mid-spit take.
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Canada invoked a seldom-used power to override Bayer's patent of Cipro, ordering a million tablets of a generic version of the drug. The government is actively considering procuring generic versions of Canadians, who are pretty generic to begin with.
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A federal judge sentenced four terrorists who were part of Osama bin Laden's network to life in prison for conspiring in the 1998 bombings of two American embassies in East Africa. The judge called the truck bombings, which killed 224 and injured thousands, "the embodiment of terror" and "so very passé."
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Following a predawn pounding, U.S. jets eased their round-the-clock bombardment of Kabul for spooning and gentle fondling. The pounding of Kabul then resumed—from behind, missionary style and then with Kabul grinding away on top.
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Federal health officials warned doctors nationwide to watch for possible cases of smallpox, food poisoning and Ebola, and issued a separate warning to KFC that its spicy mustard dipping sauce was being classified as "infectiously delicious."
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| 10.18.01 SUMMARY |
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At the invitation of Al Qaeda, CNN has submitted six questions to Osama bin Laden, asking him about the role his organization played in the attacks on Sept. 11 and in the recent spread of anthrax, and how he feels about those Muslims who have denounced his holy war. Here are the network's backup questions:
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Did you not not attack the World Trade Center?
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What is your problem, dude?
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Did you know that Bill O'Reilly's address at the Fox News Channel is: 1211 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10036?
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Is there anything sexier than a covered woman?
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Pound for pound, who's the best terrorist you've ever seen?
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Two New York-bound planes leave Boston airport, one at 7 a.m., the other at 7:15. Both planes are flying at 400 miles per hour, and New York is 200 miles away. What is your current location?
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| 10.16.01 SUMMARY |
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President George W. Bush held a midday news conference to ask, "Superman, where are you?" At the time, the president was kneeling before Zod.
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Mail service has been suspended at the U.S. Capitol after a letter opened in Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle's office tested positive for anthrax. Capitol Hill staffers expressed disappointment that they will be unable to sit around laughing at another righteously indignant Alec Baldwin letter for a whole week.
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Slate said something insightful and witty about the war.
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In the angriest tape yet released to the Al Jazeera television network, Osama Bin Laden said he was "miffed" by the Oakland A's "total collapse" in the American League Division Series, and vowed to make "the infidel Giambi brothers" pay for their failure.
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At approximately 3 pm, the President was informed by Chief of Staff Andrew Card that Superman can be seen in the new WB program "Smallville" and that the TiVo had been set.
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| 10.15.01 SUMMARY |
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Authorities confirmed that a letter opened in the office of Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle contained anthrax spores. For the last six months, Daschle has been moonlighting as Tom Brokaw's assistant.
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The letter sent to Daschle was postmarked Trenton, New Jersey, and, according to sources, articulated several witty and insightful points about the recent debates on campaign-finance reform.
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President Bush urged all Americans to stay calm. Cathy, of the comic strip "Cathy," paid little heed to the President and remained somewhat hysterical.
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The FBI revealed what it calls a "strange coincidence": The wife of the editor of the tabloid newspaper where an employee died of anthrax is also a real estate agent who rented two apartments used by suspected Sept. 11 hijackers. Calling the coincidence "outrageously loopy," NBC has contacted the woman with the intent of developing a sitcom to replace "Emeril."
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The FBI said that U.S. water supplies can be considered a "logical target for a possible terrorist attack," and have speculated that terrorists may be plotting to secretly replace all Naya with Dasani.
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Turkmenistan kindly asked Afghanistan if it could keep it down, what with all the bombing and protesting.
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| 10.11.01 SUMMARY |
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The Northern Resistance has found an unlikely ally in fight against the Taliban: It is reported that for an equal share of representation in any new government, the Northern Alliance will have the full backing of the Afghan Whigs, and all the whiskey-tinctured blues-based alternative rock they provide.
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Thousands of Muslim activists took to the streets of Indonesia in the fourth day of protests against American military action in Afghanistan. The demonstrators burned and hanged President George W. Bush in effigy while his Secret Service agents, also in effigy, looked on.
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At an FBI briefing, President Bush revealed the first-ever list of most-wanted terrorists. The White House plans to work in conjunction with "America's Most Wanted" to produce a special on the group, and to collaborate with AOL Time Warner to publish a special issue of Teen People highlighting the 15 hottest Taliban youth, including Osama P. bin Laden, volleyball-playing stepson of Osama bin Laden.
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As the CIA probes into the 22 most wanted fugitive terrorists, they have uncovered startling new atrocities: Ahmed Mohammed Hamed Ali: Greenlit "Emeril." Anas Al-Liby: Was responsible for putting nipples on the "Batman & Robin" costumes. Hassan Izz-Al-Din: Owns Montreal Expos.
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| 10.10.01 SUMMARY |
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E! Entertainment Television announced its plans to air the "Tribute to Tribute to Heroes" next Sunday, a telethon to aid the celebrities whose courage was responsible for the most successful telethon in American history. "These stars selflessly dedicated five to seven hours of their highly lucrative careers to this cause," said host Steve Kmetko. "Had the Tribute been perceived as tacky, they could have lost serious cred. The least we can do now is see all their films, buy all their records, and restore the revenue they lost that September day through several million dollars in direct donations." On the telethon, Seann William Scott will pay tribute to Tom Cruise, Monica Potter to Julia Roberts, and the Josh Dodes Band to Billy Joel. The guy from Sixpence None the Richer will sing a song about the song that Bruce Springsteen sang. |
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Pentagon sources said Tuesday more than 1,000 U.S. troops, including special operations forces, are at the Khanabad military base near Karshi, Uzbekistan, roughly 100 miles north of Afghanistan. Please don't tell the Taliban, though. It's supposed to be a surprise.
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In an exclusive episode of "Cribs" aired by the Al Jazeera cable network, Osama bin Laden toured his cave, showing off his submachine guns, Stinger missile collection and collection of 1970s handblown glass candy dishes.
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The Taliban has arrested a French journalist in Afghanistan and is threatening to charge him with espionage, the French word for spying.
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New Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge declared the nation secure, excepting certain Northeast states that remain insecure. He announced a plan to work closely with the states to get them dates with women they might consider out of their league.
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| 10.09.01 SUMMARY |
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In the second round of attacks on the Taliban regime and the Al Qaeda terrorist network, American cruise missiles struck military installations and base camps targets in Kabul and Kandahar, Afghanistan. The Afghan people expressed their gratitude that state-of-the-art American technology had finally made it to their cities. "Can you send some Myst II: Riven, do you understand?" said an adolescent boy in Pashtu—a plea made even more heartbreaking by the fact that Myst III: Exile has been on store shelves for months.
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In a related incident, Tom Cruise imagined his own missiles hitting an unspecified target inside an imaginary pilot of an imaginary B-2 bomber. He then sued the imaginary reporter who reported this imaginary act for the fictional sum of eleventy million dollars.
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Even though nobody invited him, Paraguay showed up and said he wanted to join the coalition against terrorism. British Prime Minister Tony Blair said he sincerely appreciated Paraguay's offer and that "they should definitely hang out some time" but demurred when asked by Paraguay what was going on this weekend.
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Assistant Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz defeated Secretary of State Colin Powell in the day's Indian Leg Wrestling match, evening their total record at 23-23.
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The Pentagon stated it had dropped 37,000 meal rations in Afghanistan Sunday and Monday, prompting the United Nations to appeal to the international community to provide "something to wash them down with."
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President George W. Bush swore in former Pennsylvania Governor Tom Ridge as the nation's director of homeland security. Ridge pledged that the World Trade Center towers would never again be attacked, "at least not on my watch."
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The alluring visage of Paula Zahn made new demands to the United States, including freshly prepared inside-out California rolls with light soy sauce and a spray bottle of Evian—a personal secret for keeping the face from looking puffy.
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On the eve of a major speech on the City’s budget, Mayor Rudy Giuliani once again urged New Yorkers to go about their normal routine. He clarified that New Yorkers who are terrorists, however, should forget about their normal routine.
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Weird Al Yankovic is said to be stuck on the second verse of a heartfelt parody of "American Pie," which includes the chorus: "Rise, Rise Mr. American Guy / That bin Laden, yeah we got him, we can now watch him die." Defense department officials would not confirm the allegation, first reported by the Al Jazeera cable network.
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