"In case you've forgotten why we're waging jihad against America, the 53rd Annual Emmy Awards were this week. I tell you, a thousand Salman Rushdies typing for a thousand years couldn't come up with anything as offensive as this: Homosexuals, Jews, Jessica Alba in a tight dress unescorted by a male family member. Allah was so angry he wouldn't let anybody leave until they heard Barbra Streisand sing."
"America rushed out a postage stamp to honor the infidels killed in the attack on the World Trade Center. Now, in response, the Taliban is producing a stamp to commemorate the jihad. It seems we're having trouble agreeing about what should go on it, however. As you know, the brand of fundamentalism practiced by the Taliban prohibits the artistic depiction of human beings so, after much arguing, we finally settled on Michael Jackson."
"To demonstrate our success in the fight against America, our brave Taliban fighters have been showing journalist spies pieces of the landing gear from a Blackhawk helicopter that crashed and burned. [cheers] And to really rub it in, tomorrow, we're going to show the smoldering fragments of Marisa Tomei's career." [callous groans]
"Apparently, the bombing of Kabul has been compared to 'an inferno.' [audience gasps] No, no, we're going to be okay, at least until Paul Newman, O.J. Simpson, and Steve McQueen show up. [confused silence]. Get it, the Towering Inferno? O.J.? [more confused silence]. Wow, that joke was a bigger bomb than the one that hit the Jalalabad fuel depot [hysterical, back-on-the-bandwagon whooping]."
"Speaking of O.J. Simpson, he was just found innocent of battery charges related to a traffic accident. [Chants of "Juice! Juice! Juice!"] Turns out he's thinking of moving to Afghanistan, because over here, when he kills a wife, he'll still have four left."
"The US 'Department of Injustice' issued another warning that more terrorist attacks could be imminent, and urged Americans to be 'alert, but not fearful.' In a related story, Playboy Magazine is ramping up publicity for its Playmate of the Year competition and editors are asking readers to be 'aroused, but not horny.'"
"Have you noticed that every time Osama makes a video he tries to widen his appeal by aligning Al Qaeda with a new conflict? First it was holy war against the Americans. Then it was Palestine. This week he's calling for Jihad in the disputed province of Kashmir. I hear tomorrow he's going to say that it's the sacred obligation of all Muslims to help Slytherin defeat Griffindor in the big Quidditch match."