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Post-Christmas Depression: You Want to Be Jolly,
But You Also Want to Kill

Though the days leading up to Christmas can be trying for an elf, the days following Christmas can be far worse. Elves, harried and overworked for so long, suddenly find themselves either drifting aimlessly from one candy-hued room to another or contemplating horrific Elf-on-Elf violence.

"Ethyl and me, we had a lot of idle time on our hands," recalls Frank of a post-Christmas marital spat last year. "I really hated my job in Nutcracker Lubrication, and she was having an affair. So I called her ‘dirty whore’ and tried to set her on fire."

Confesses Ethyl, "Not only did I start an affair, which continues to this day, but I also had a contract taken out on Frank’s life. It’s passive-aggressive, I know. Felt good at the time."

Reached at his dingy lair on the windswept fringes of the North Pole, Jasper Sniper, the Elf hired by Ethyl to kill Frank, says that for a sniper elf, post-Christmas depression isn’t an issue. "Being a hit-elf," says Sniper, nodding to a series of maps and schedules tacked to the wall tracking Frank’s movements, "my workload actually goes up after Christmas!"

After a lunch of egg nog and amphetamines, Sniper explains that even before Christmas, his workload can be heavy. He removes the hanging maps from the wall to reveal a new set of diagrams tracking Ethyl’s repeated visits to Sleigh Loading and the mountain retreat of Mrs. Claus. "In fact, I just got a new job today."

Jingle Boils: How to Protect Yourself Against This Swollen Menace

It’s easy to name red things at the North Pole: Santa’s rosy cheeks, merry chimney stockings, and the festering STD called "Jingle Boils." The only time they’re not bright red is when they’re slick with gray pus. Complicating matters is the fact that the elven mating urge—the Blo’Parr—falls on December 25th this year.

This is not lost on Marco, an elf in Sleigh Loading (and lead guitarist for the garage band "Slay Ride") who has big plans for Christmas Day. "I’ve got twelve girls lined up for Blo’Parr," he announces in a voice that is louder than necessary, "our drummer Tony has eight, and our bass player Neil has three, so we’re gonna be dashing through some snow, if ya know what I mean! Over the fields we go, ya know? Laughing all the way? You get what I’m saying?"

Which brings him to his doctor’s visit today. After an agonizing twelve-hour draining process in which his genital surface is peeled back and lanced with hot needles, his case of "Jingle Boils" begins to subside. Though his jaw now hangs slack, you can see the relief in his watery eyes. "Oh my god, that was painful. The boils are painful, the treatment is painful, everything is painful. Boy, never again, man. I dunno where I got ’em, but I NEVER want ’em again."

Later that day, a female elf named Sheila enters the hospital to treat her own raging case of "Jingle Boils," but is turned away because she was not referred by a primary care physician, and her insurance won’t cover it. "I guess it’s no big deal," she ways, wincing slightly. "I’ve got a partner for Blo’Parr already, but I've heard you can't transmit the disease to anyone if you rub your hair with reindeer shit. That works, right?"

Yesterday: Articles 1 and 2

Also by Christopher Painter:
Building the Perfect Salmon
The Box Set of the Year
The Casting Department Has Spoken

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