To: Midtown Arena Employees From: Midtown Arena Management Re: Upcoming Concerts/Special Requests Greetings Midtown Arena Valued Employee,

Next month promises to be the biggest yet for Midtown Arena, Midtown Arena Inc. and Midtown Arena affiliates/shareholders! We have several prominent musical acts coming to our little 17,000-seat neck of the woods that should put us on the front page again and again!

As you might know, some of these acts can be a little "crazy" or over the top. (Try five miles over the top!) While we will coordinate with special services closer to each concert date, we thought we'd give our valued employees a heads up about what each act will need backstage:

Van Halen, April 3 & 4 • No brown M&Ms. (Mike, have Susan get someone to pick those out and please remember your person must wash hands first, not after!)

ZZ Top, April 6 • Brown M&Ms only.

James Taylor, April 7 • Mr. Taylor has requested an ice couch for the green room. No cushions, no pillows, just cold cold ice he can sit on and think about his artistry (aka his songs).

Judy Collins, April 9 • NO CLOWNS. Balloons okay.

Chris Isaak, April 10 • A huge cake with lots of candles (note: this is not a birthday cake). His manager says Mr. Isaak's name on the cake would be a big plus, or a clown.

Def Leppard, April 12 • Plenty of "tail" but no moms in the bunch, please.

Keith Richards, April 13 • The artist's fax reads "urrr, cor, yeah, cough" so maybe a pretty olive tray plus shrimp cocktails would be nice.

U2, April 14 & 15 • Any internationally famous freedom fighter in his final days of a long hunger strike. Note — do not seat guest next to buffet! Alternate choice: Nelson Mandela. (FYI: a little bird told me Mr. Mandela is crazy for frozen Nestle's Crunch bars!)

Limp Bizkit, April 16 • Lots of clowns, but bloody and ideally dead. Also, Fred Durst wouldn't mind Susan Faludi's latest book. Or Susan Faludi, in a teddy if possible.

The Go-Gos, April 17 • Fruit, bottled water, herbal supplements. These ladies are happily clean now, but perhaps a large glass bowl of talcum powder on the table will add to the retro '80s feel of the night. Feedback?

Sting, April 19 • A standing stone (20' by 16' or larger, please).

Morrissey, April 23 • This artist has made no requests, so why don't we just set out a simple cold cut spread or possibly some hamburgers/hot dogs?

Enya, April 24 • An bord bia chomh teann le mála an phíobaire.

Petra, April 25 • The band wrote only "WWJD?" on the request form. So let's say for the time being Jesus would serve sandwiches and a salad of some sort, plus coffee and tea.

Insane Clown Posse, April 28 • A VCR and a stack of tapes ("Magic in the Water" and "Getting Even With Dad" are absolute musts).

Barbra Streisand, April 30 • Dom Perignon. Not Dom Perignon the champagne — Ms. Streisand would like Dom Perignon, the 18th century Benedictine monk who created the legendary libation, to be her backstage guest. (Susan, please have Mike contact the world's greatest scientists to see about cloning or possibly raising the long-dead friar directly from the grave.)

Now get to work, people! Thanks, Midtown Arena Mgmt.