THERMOBARIC BOMBS aren't the only recent American innovation: Researchers at the universities of Nebraska and Florida have created a new cut of steak that they claim is just as delicious as a New York strip, but only half the price. Their so-called "Value Cut" is made from the chuck or the round--a meat revolution that has electrified the culinary and cow communities. Of course, the Value Cut was not born without some disheartening false starts.
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 Tender Hanger Steak
Juicy and marbled with fine strands of delicious fat, which, upon contact with saliva, exploded in a thunderous ball of meaty fire.
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 Triangle Snip Cut
A cut that contained the tiny voice inside the cow that says "be bad." Ingestion of the steak caused unpredictable, but ultimately non-threatening behavior.
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 Eye Round Rump
Consuming this cut caused longevity and, in some cases, immortality. Contained too much gristle.
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 Mock Shoulder
Cut harbors vague pain that always troubles cow. Ingestion caused vague pain, brain death.
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 Aft Rib Skirt
Consumption caused hallucinations of vast, pounding waves of howling, wild-eyed spiders. Did not take marinating well.
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 High Flank Rolls
Without a doubt, the sexiest bit of cow. Seemed a shame to eat it.
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 Ample Bone Hip Steak
Portion cow always felt he/she "needed to work on." Eating resulted in moody social introversion and urge to hack apart entire wardrobe with scissors.
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 Corned Lip
Location of elusive "cow soul." Ingestion caused eater to stare into the whirling abyss of cow's true self. Left behind a gamy aftertaste and gibbering madness.
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 Hoof Ridge
Contained an entire, angry goose prone to biting.
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 Hoof Instep
Tender cut which the angry, biting goose from the Hoof Ridge fought viciously to devour. Incredibly delicious, but not really worth fighting the goose for. |
