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Men In Black 2
The Men In Black are back after a five-year hiatus. Where have they been? No, really, where have they been? And who are they, for that matter? They used that flashing device thing on me, and now I have no recollection of the first film. Was Donald Sutherland in it?

Road to Perdition
Tom Hanks stars in this Depression-Era drama from “American Beauty” director Sam Mendes, who demanded strict attention to period detail. Everything from the car Hanks’ character drives to the shower in which he desperately masturbates every morning is a precise replica from a bygone era.

Austin Powers in Goldmember
New Line Cinema was allowed to keep this title after they explained to MGM that the character Goldmember has a gold penis and not a gold finger.

K-19: The Widowmaker
The nineteenth tallest mountain in the world is dislodged in a earthquake and goes on a killing spree, targeting only married men. Due to creative differences with the director, the actual nineteenth tallest mountain, China’s Xixabangma walked away from the project and was replaced by the Northeast peak of Chongtar, tied for the 196th highest mountain.
Fortunately, the Northeast peak trained with Stella Adler and Sandy Meisner and as such is more believable as a mountain. "K-19" also stars Harrison Ford as a human person.

Halloween: Resurrection
Look out behind you, it's Michael Myers! Star of "Austin Powers" Michael Myers, I mean. Could you get his autograph for me? Oh no! He has a knife and is killing you! I am a bad judge of character.

Like Mike
Diminutive rapper Lil’ Bow Wow takes his earnest brand of doggie style to the silver screen playing an orphan with a dream: to grow up to be like Mike. Mike Spinelli, that is, an insurance claims adjuster from Livonia, Michigan. Enticed by automotive industry-related issues including appraisals, mechanical failure investigations and warranties, Bow Wow works tirelessly to become the best darn adjuster in the whole darn firm!

Stuart Little 2
If you're reading this, you are either under the age of 12 or have no social skills. In either case, I have no interest in serving your entertainment needs.

The Country Bears
The hillbilly bear band from Disneyland reunites for one last concert to be performed four times an hour.

The Crocodile Hunter:
Collision Course
TV's Crocodile Hunter is on a collision course with trouble: He's trying to transfer his semi-popular TV show to the big screen! Also, an eight-foot anaconda has him in its vise-like grip.

In the new chiller from M. Night Shyamalan ("The Sixth Sense"), Mel Gibson plays a man obsessed by the mysterious crops circles on his farm. He employs various tilling and fertilizing methods all for naught. SPOILER: In a suprise twist, he spreads mulch directly on the soil, instead of first converting it to compost, so that the nitrogen, humus and minerals are not lost through conversion to gases or by rainwater leaching.

Jackass: The Movie
"And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven...And there were lightnings, and voices, and thunderings, and an earthquake, and great hail." (Revelations 8:1; 11:19)

Full Frontal
Julia Roberts is going full frontal! That's right, her new film is composed entirely of frontal shots. Not a single back, quarter or side view of her Julia-ness. Innovative director Steven Soderbergh even created a special camera lens that literally fills the screen with Julia, blocking out all other actors in the frame, unless Denzel happens to wander by.

Blood Work
Clint Eastwood's latest thriller follows the 71-year-old actor on a tense trip to the doctor's office to get the results of his blood tests. How's his liver? Should he be concerned about the pain in his knees? Will his new insurance plan cover prescriptions to Lipitor and Coumadin? Should he consider retiring?

Spy Kids 2
In this installment, the pint-size James Bonds meet Pussy Galore, Plenty O'Toole and Enormous J. Cock.

When posted on the marquees of family-oriented multiplexes, the title for this Vin Diesel action-adventure will confuse patrons who are hoping for Enormous J. Cock. (Hint: Check out "Spy Kids 2"!)

—Diane Bullock, Brian Dermody, Nic Duquette, Nick Nadel

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