Modern Humorist - Grand Slammed
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THE NEW YORK YANKEES have not been eliminated from the playoffs so early since 1997. That year, they had their Tamagotchis to keep them busy, but what will they do this fall?

David Wells - Writing "Offense wins games, pitching wins championships" one hundred times on George Steinbrenner's chalkboard.

Jorge Posada - Practicing in front of mirror for Major League Baseball Players Association awards banquet/Karaoke night. Song: "Something About You" by Level 42.

John Vander Wal - Lobbying Chris Berman to change his SportsCenter nickname.
Current: John "All in all you're just another brick in the" Vander Wal.
Proposed: John "Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me/And after all you're my" Vander Wal.

Roger Clemens - Getting up at 5 every morning to watch an hour of "Charles in Charge" on Nick at Nite.

Alfonso Soriano - Still trying for the fortieth home run. Don't tell him it won't count. He's very sensitive.

Nick Johnson - Drying glasses behind a bar, lending a sympathetic ear to a streetwise detective.

Jason Giambi - Growing out hair. Allowing stubble to return. Awaiting phone call from Anaheim.

Andy Pettitte - A two month stint as Danny in the London revival of "Grease."

Willie Randolph - Sending out resumes, interviewing, hoping he finally gets the managerial job he's being groomed for (night manager of Hackensack Best Buy).

Don Zimmer - Cardio-striptease.

Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez - Picking an age and sticking with it (53).

Mike Mussina - Watching and re-watching the Julia Roberts tearjerker "Dying Young."

Mariano Rivera - Meeting Ethan Hawke on a train to France. Having a whirlwind romance in Vienna.

Joe Torre - Finally getting to those fall chores around the house. Those gutters aren't going to clean themselves, you know.

Juan Rivera - Keynote speaker at the "Guys Named Juan Rivera" convention.

Bernie Williams - Bringing his renowned guitar skills to a Tull cover band.

Derek Jeter - Calling Mariah's cell, asking if Tommy Mottola is there. Hanging up. Giggling about it with Michael Jackson.

More by Brian Dermody:
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