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FOLLOWING A NUMBER of best-selling non-fiction books, Oliver North recently co-wrote his first novel, "Mission Compromised," a Tom Clancyeseque adventure story about an Oliver North-like figure named Major Peter Newman who, with the aid and support of the real-life Oliver North, has Oliver North-like adventures fighting Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.

According to the New York Times, North would pound out an extremely rough draft of the novel after recording his radio show. The draft would then be e-mailed to North's co-writer, Joe Musser, who would take North's amateurish, unreadable prose and translate it into a slightly less amateurish and unreadable manuscript fit for publication by an undiscriminating, publicity-hungry Christian publishing house.

Out of habit, North had Fawn Hall shred his draft of the novel, lest it fall into the wrong hands, but we've obtained the following sample. According to the Times, North's draft was also written entirely in capital letters, although we've decided to omit that detail, on account of it being fucking retarded.

It was a bright, glorious day on God's green Earth as Major Peter Newman arrived for his rendezvous with the Great American Hero Oliver North.

"It is a bright, glorious day on God's green Earth, I, Major Peter Newman, am thinking to myself as I arrive at my rendezvous with The Great American Hero Oliver North," Major Peter Newman thought to himself. The sky was all blue and stuff and there were also clouds in it.

Suddenly, a man appeared. Although he looked like a man, he also looked like a Greek God (but not one of the gay ones) and also Tom Cruise.

"You must be the Great American Hero Oliver North," said Major Peter Newman.

"Yes, I am the great American Hero Oliver North," said the great American hero Oliver North. [note to Joe: is this reading good? If not, please make gooder and more booky, using describing words and stuff.]

"I understand that you have some important words to tell me, Oliver North," said Major Peter Newman. "About Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, and also Hitler's brain."

Looking particularly heroic, Oliver North then began talking, using both words and sentences. And also his mouth: "Yes, I know where they are."

"Please tell me, then," said Major Peter Newman, who also used words to try to convey what he was thinking inside of his head.

"They're at room 417 of the Ramada Inn. They're shacked up with some cabana boys and a cigarette full of reefer. Also, some Boone's Farm."

"O.K then, I guess I'm off to go kill Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein and Hitler's brain," said Major Peter Newman.

As he walked away, he thought about what a great American hero North was. He would never forget their meeting. Also, he would remember it. [note to Joe: better make room in the trophy case for a Pulitzer! Because this book will win one or two.]

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