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From your video camera to our prime time specials. The law and order network. "Dawson's Creek." Feels like a Fox show, doesn't it? The first network to bring you bear attacks. We didn't phase out the "urban" shows. Everyone moved to the suburbs. We had sassy teens way before The WB. The network where you'll most likely catch a snuff film. Don't piss off Rupert. Don' miss our LIVE foxworld.com chat with Eben Egan, the 23-year-old wunderkind creator of this Fox animated hit. Whatcha gonna watch? Whatcha gonna watch? Whatcha gonna watch when ya home all night? the Fox Night at the Movies "Stephen King's The Doorstop" "James Joyce's The Dubliners" "Dean Koontz's Hypertension" "Danielle Steele's Vulva" "Blind Justice" "Justice for None" The Olsen Twins in "Young Justice"  |
Fox knows that you viewers want to see more diversity and family-friendly programs in prime time, despite the way you flocked to that special where a deer kicked some camper in the nuts. We recognize the competition from niche cable channels with more intelligent fare, even though our numbers skyrocket every time we show some stoned lumberjack violate his restraining order and total his RV. Fox knows that you demand to see shows which portray the breadth of minority lifestyles, yet respects your enduring love of seeing minorities thrown against the hood of a Santa Fe cop car. You've spoken, America, and Fox is listening. We hope you'll be reminded to continue this dialogue every time you see our new slogan:
Monday, 8pm
When we last saw Jennifer Love Hewitt's character Sarah, she bade a tearful farewell to everyone on "Party of Five" as the effects of Dr. Ravenna's aging ray began in earnest. This spin-off finds Sarah in New York, growing older and older, much to the dismay of her VJ boyfriend. Can she locate her birth parents before Dr. Ravenna's robo-hounds?
Special Episode: "Breaking Point" — Sarah's brittle bones are shattered by the frothing crowds outside Total Request Live.
The trials of overripe Jennifer Love Hewitt will have everyone, regardless of race, gripped with excitement.
Tuesday, 8pm
Remember all those funny parts of "Ally McBeal" you saw last year? Let us remind you.
Special Episode: "Biological Clock" — Oh, man. That was a great one.
This Emmy-winning program deals with lawyers, all of whom had to study the landmark 1954 Brown v. Board of Education case in law school.
Wednesday, 9pm
The network that let TV sarcasm with hip references go nova unveils the end of the stellar life cycle: "Get Real," a white dwarf of a caustic family farce. Nihilistic contempt for pop culture and self hasn't been this cool since Ben Stiller's last birthday party.
Special Episode: You know, like "very special episode"? Come on, that's so cheesy. Oooh, the kids talk about virginity, I'm so impressed. It's just like Kristy McNichol in "Little Darlings."
Although the kids in this show don't interact with any minorities, they still think the system sucks.
Thursday, 9:30pm
Jay Mohr is Peter Dragon, the nastiest executive in Hollywood. Each week his deceit and self-absorption reach new lows. This shocking peek at Tinseltown continues the Fox commitment to reality programming.
Special Episode: "Fuck" — Peter green lights a lewd movie only to be set upon by whining minority groups and prig corporations that sell shampoo. Yeah, you heard me.
Look for occasional glimpses of the diverse focus groups which determine what movies get made and how they should be edited.
The Badland
Friday, 8pm
From director F. Gary Gray ("The Negotiator"), this drama focuses on an upper middle-class 19-year-old urban cop in Philadelphia. He is white. The criminals in the show are primarily black. However, that's because Philadelphia is like that, and this show is about Philadelphia. The ultimate goal of the show is to solve these racial problems.
Special Episode: "Eureka!" — A racial problem is solved. Also, the law is enforced, sending a message to the youth (our future).
Ryan is cold-cocked by a Samoan.
Friday, 9pm
"X-Files" creator Chris Carter's new show takes place inside a computer. So you can understand why we at Fox are very, very excited about "Harsh Realm." Unlike "Millennium," which was set in the wet and dreary environs of Seattle and depressing as hell, "Harsh Realm," is — um. Well, it's. . . It's in a computer.
Special Episode: "Terror Factor" — The computer is upgraded by 1 gigabyte of hard drive and 12 megabytes of RAM.
Studies show minority families don't own as many computers as white families. This show provides a nice introduction to basic principles like CPU, modems, and morphing dinosaurs.
Coming Soon!
Sunday, 7pm
That's right, Malcolm Jamal-Warner is back! You love his work as the irrepressible Theo in "The Cosby Show," and as Eddie in "Malcolm and Eddie," but you won't believe his incredible transformation into his most challenging character yet: a nine-year-old white boy living with an uproariously dysfunctional family.
Special Episode: "Report Card Blues" — Unruliness and zaniness compete with disorder and hilarity in a comic lollapalooza which seemingly has no bearing on African-Americans. Unless you know that the white kid is really Jamal-Warner.
So complete is Malcolm's immersion into character, that he insisted his name be listed as Frankie Muniz in the credits. But it's him all right.
Manchester Prep
Thursday, 8pm
Two randy siblings engage in incest-themed banter and plot sexual intrigue at their tony private school. Will They or Won't They? Actually, the issue is How Often?
Special Episode: "Cream-O" — A new kid at Prep falls for the oldest latent-gay ritual in the book.
The kinds of white people who attend such private schools actually deserve to be considered a freakish ethnicity.
The Simpsons
Springfield: where the doctors are black, the sycophants are gay, the women are smart and the men are alcoholics. TVs most realistic "dramedy" for over a decade running!
Nice Knockers
Janet, the newest waitress at Nice Knockers, isn't prepared for the realities of working in the food service/titillation industry. The frisky customers, even kids and elderly women, are always trying to trick her into taking off her top. "God gave you a gift," counsels head waitress Tami, "In time, he'll see you get tips."
The Sub Way
Sitcom about an awkward young couple, committed to the S&M lifestyle, who move from California to a small studio apartment in New York City. Show deals with all the general adjustments, trials and tribulations of being young and poor in the Big Apple.
Al
This new fifteen-minute show is constructed from old episodes and unused footage from "Ally," the new half-hour show constructed from old episodes and unused footage from "Ally McBeal."
A
This seven-and-a-half minute show — no commercials! — is comprised solely of fantasy sequences, shots of Ally licking things, shots of miniskirts, and the dancing baby.
David E. Kelly is a fucking genius.
Guns, Germs, and Mo'Nique
Starring Mo'Nique!
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