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"Dawson's Creek" and "7th Heaven." Is that range or what? All the cool kids watch it. If you don't watch it, you're not cool. Don't trust anyone over 30. The "Logan's Run" of television. We've got barely legal cooze! Watch your favorite WB stars, then log onto the Internet to search for their nudie pix. The WB. So you'll have something to talk about with your kids. Friday Night Jam  |
Oh, my
god, did you see on "Dawson's" when that bitchy girl fell off the pier?I was like, Oh my god, that didn't just happen. I know, I know, but it totally did. And Amy was all like, No way, they are not going to let her drown. Nuh-uh. No. But they DID. They totally DID. Can you believe that? But she was SUCH a whore when you think about it. I mean, that one time, when she was going to embarrass Pacey in front of everyone. Didn't you just want to DIE? I was just like, You bitch! You are NOT going to do that. But in the end she didn't do it, so maybe she wasn't so bad.
It kind of sucks that she had to drown.
Sunday, 9pm
The guy's named Jill, the girl's named Jack. Will They or Won't They? Won't you watch and find out?
Special Episode: "Go 'Rules' on His Ass" — Jack doesn't return Jill's call lest he seem slutty. No, lest she seem slutty. Jack's a she, right? Oh, crap.
These are some fresh-scrubbed white kids. But they live in New York, so who knows who they could meet.
Monday, 9pm
Rue McClanahan is a magician's widow who has never recovered from the night her husband became lost in the depths of his own magical top hat. After two decades, an elite squad of Navy SEALs is finally being dispatched into the top hat to save her husband and destroy the God of Bunnies who has held him captive and now threatens all reality.
Special Episode: "Nothing Up My Sleeve But Terror" — Sgt. Moore (Tom Berenger) engages in a battle of riddles with the bunny demon Lepus'aal for the life of Pvt. Tremain (Bobbie Phillips).
The rabbit is a trickster figure in many cultures.
Tuesday, 9pm
David Boreanaz reprises his role from "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer" as a gay vampire who moves to West Hollywood to fight gay crime.
Special Episode: "Children of the Night" — If you look hard enough, amid all the decadent vampire orgies and eroticized bloodplay, there is a message about the importance of coven. I mean family.
The vampire is a familiar stand in for "outsiders" who society mistrusts like Jews, blacks, homosexuals, and werewolves.
Wednesday, 9pm
A poignant sci-fi drama which proves that angst knows no planet. A trio of aliens who crash-landed in the eponymous New Mexico town in 1947 finally realize the obvious course of action is to shape shift into teens and hump anything on legs.
Special Episode: "Uh, Dad's in the Weather Balloon Business" — When an alien saves his human girlfriend's life, his identity is revealed, immediately vaulting him to the highest clique in the school and making even greater outcasts of the kind of teens who are attracted to this type of show.
Alienated teens. Get it? "Alien"-ated.
Thursday, 8pm
Two high-school girls, a cheerleader and an outcast overachiever, suddenly become stepsisters when their single parents get married. TV's oldest dilemma, Will They or Won't They, has never been so tantalizing. They aren't really related, so what's the harm? They aren't lesbians either, but isn't the idea exciting?
Special Episode: "Sister, Sister" — The two arch-rivals reach an uneasy truce. Could this reconciliation be the development that hurls the two hotties into the sack? Yowza!
Don't let the title fool you: there are both popular AND unpopular kids on this show.
Friday, 8pm
Featuring the many voices of Frank Tota and Pete Deemer, "Mission Hill" is the new animated sitcom about two lazy roommates and a nerdy kid brother. Though this show satirizes people who loaf through life watching altogether too much TV, don't for a minute think you should stop doing the same.
Special Episode: "Dreamcast" — The guys learn how to get Sonic the Hedgehog to do a triple flip. Triple!
These are cartoon characters, not real white people, so we could change their ethnicity every week if we wanted. Will you stop protesting then?
Ramin is an Indian radio deejay who has risen to fame as "Ray Jay," the immigrant-hating, racist, homophobic shock jock who rules Cincinnati's drive time airwaves. But as Ray Jay grows more successful, other media outlets are scrambling for an interview...and Ramin is running scared. Starring Benjamin Bratt as the roti-devouring Ramin.
Blind Lovin'
Raunchy sex comedy about horny teenagers in a sensory deprivation tank. It will depict the confusion of sexually inexperienced teens who are shut off from all sensual stimuli. Possible storyline: two male teens in the tank kiss each other, each assuming the other is a girl. The episode then deals with their subsequent concerns: Are we gay? How do we know it won't happen again? What year is it?
Mo' and the Demons
Starring Mo'Nique!
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