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UPN We Try Harder We'll Try Anything We're Still Here Yes, there are six networks Last on your UHF dial, but first in your hearts! Star Trek Voyager: Still Our #1 Hit! Remember when we debuted and used to beat the WB? Wrestling is really hot right now. "Desmond Pfieffer." Yeah, that was us. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. 
Jerry Seinfeld! Guest artist this season: Jerry Seinfeld! With "Deep Space 9" off the air, the crew of Voyager realize the "Star Trek" franchise rests on their lost asses.  |
Hi there,
UPN viewer. Or, more optimistically, UPN viewers!But I jest.
We at UPN know that hit shows are built one audience member at a time. So we make sure that all of our shows appeal specifically to you, our most valued viewer: the urban black male who likes pro wrestling and science fiction. Our studies indicate you may be named "Allan."
Allan, we think you'll like this season at UPN. And I'll level with you. One of our parent companies just got bought. Our fat's really in the fire now. The numbers indicate you might not go for "Shasta McNasty" and that you hate "7 Days." We convinced several people at Pepsi, GM, and Sega that you'd watch anyway. Please don't make us look like liars.
Thanks, Allan. I got your back.
Monday, 8pm
Countess Vaughn and Mo'Nique. We figured, what the hell.
Special Episode: "Finals" — The exam is coming up, and Mo'Nique has not been going to lectures. Can her brash style of humor get her out of this fix? Yes.
We are proud to add another African-American sitcom to television, and we will air it until the Man pulls the plug.
Monday, 9pm
Jaleel White stars in this comedy about a handsome twentysomething who attempts to find love and a career after years playing an embarrassing character on another network.
Special Episode: "Issues" — Because it's written in his contract, Jaleel gets to spend the entire 12 minutes beating somebody up and 10 minutes displaying his surprisingly buff physique.
This is a desperate attempt to diversify Jaleel's list of credits.
Tuesday, 8:30pm
Being a rapper is "mad crazy." Being a white rapper is madder crazy. UPN is proud to hail Shasta McNasty as, truly, the first show to plumb the cultural depths of the Vanilla Ice phenomenon.
Special Episode: "You Are Whack, Mr. McNasty" — The group learns their VH1 Behind the Music special is already in production.
Diverse individuals are united for the sake of barely comprehensible plots and almost unprintable punch lines.
Tuesday, 9pm
On her 18th birthday, Ashley Stevens's mother told her, "The only way out of Petunkie, PA, is to dance your way out — and I don't mean Martha Graham." Ashley headed straight for the classiest joint on the strip: Beaver Dam. It's more fun than she bargained for — a colorful tableau of skanky meth heads and the lovable but thrifty middle-aged johns they ply all night with pole dances.
Special Episode: "Ladies Night" — Ashley reveals her occupation to a new beau. "Try to focus less on the 'exotic' and more on the 'dancing.'"
As any strip club must, Beaver Dam employs girls of every ethnicity to appeal to the broadest customer base.
Thursday, 8pm
Wrestling jumps from cable to broadcast TV with this two-hour slamfest! Parents can be assured, though, of the program's educational, non-violent content. When Diamond Dallas Page hits The Undertaker in the head with a flaming folding chair, the dire consequences (Diamond Dallas eventually loses the match) will scare any child from trying the same thing at home.
Special Episode: A masked midget bites Chyna on the butt, and her jugs pop right out. It's blurry, but you can totally see them.
Who IS that masked midget?
Friday, 8pm
No modem or plug-ins required to watch these experimental films! Movies include:
"Whack-a-Spice Girl"
"Adobe Photoshop 5.5 interface demo"
"Which Lexmark printer is right for your business?"
J. Ed
This sitcom, set just after WW II, takes a hilarious look at J. Edgar Hoover's secret dalliances in transvestitism and homosexuality.
Thanks
The second this canceled CBS comedy about Pilgrims becomes available, we're so there.
Dhamitha!
(Originally developed as "House Guests" starring Rob Morrow)
Dhamitha is the sexiest Sri Lankan sports columnist in New York. But after he adopts his orphaned nephew and moves into a co-op haunted by the ghost of Andy Warhol, can even Dhamitha be a hit with the ladies?
Mo' Mo'Nique
Starring Mo'Nique!
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