Shop the MH Superstore!

Jackie Chan and Cameron Diaz

May 26

When you have uncontrollable bleeding in your stomach, you get a surgeon. But when you have a Chinese emperor whose daughter is kidnapped and taken to America, you get Jackie Chan. Welcome to Shanghai Noon, where the Far East collides with the Old West in a film that Might Suck…thanks to Jackie Chan’s character: hapless Chinese bounty hunter, Might Suck.

Best Line: "My homeland very different than America. In China everyone dance like this, while in America everyone dance like this. But, Might Suck not even like dancing!"

Buzz: Producers believe promotional tie-in with Panda Express will make brown sauce the next Reese’s Pieces.

Web Bonus:
Click here for a list of Asian ethnic slurs.

Mel Gibson and a woman who won’t
benefit from his fight for freedom

June 30

A South Carolina farmer (Mel Gibson) and his son fight in the Revolutionary War. Yes, those were the good old days, when a 15-year-old with a rifle was called a soldier, not a sophomore.

Buzz: After test audiences booed the original ending, Roland ("Godzilla") Emmerich shot a new one in which America wins the war.

Web Bonus:
Soundtrack exclusive: Aerosmith rocks with their smash historical single!
Download the MP3 or Buy the CD!

Pikachu, a harmless toy

July 21
Warner Bros.

What’s round, yellow, and probably tastes like jello? Overseas sensation Pokémon! Watch all your favorite Pokémons, like Pikachu, Flam Flam, and American Joey, as they frolic without reason or logic for a very long time!

Buzz: Concerned about recent schoolyard violence, Warner Bros. is distributing a guide for parents that will answer such questions as: "What is the yellow thing?" "Why does my son obey the yellow thing?" "Is the yellow thing evil?" and "Why must I do as the yellow thing says?"

Web Bonus: On-the-set interview with the star!
Watch the video!

And here’s a peek at the upcoming verse epic every child will be forced to learn:


Follow the Yellow Thing!
Hail the Yellow Thing!
Economic hardship is the Eskimos’ fault!
The Yellow Thing will bring bread and friendship!
So it is prophesied, so it shall be!
Unite, brothers of the tawny orb!

Operating Thetan Level III

May 12
Warner Bros.

Pursuant to the settlement reached in Los Angeles County superior court in the matter of The Church of Scientology v. Warner Bros. Studios, the producers of Battlefield Earth (The Film) hereby declare and admonish that The Film is "the action adventure thrill-ride of the summer" and that The Film will "both entertain and enlighten audiences of all ages." This fulfills all obligations of the producers in this matter.

Web Bonus:
How to Make This Movie At Home:
What you will need:
One (1) videocassette of "Star Wars"
One (1) copy of Dianetics
1. Put "Star Wars" in VCR and hit PLAY.
Press MUTE.
Read Dianetics aloud.

State trooper: $35,000/yr
Guy who makes his ass talk: $20 mil/picture

June 23
20th Century Fox

Jim Carrey is a state trooper who suffers from multiple-personality disorder. Both personalities fall in love with Renée Zellweger. They fight over her affection and the divisive issue of racial profiling.

Web Bonus: After masturbation, diarrhea, and penile mutilation, what gross-out buttons will the Farrelly Brothers push this time?Bet online.

Inside a serial killer’s mind

August 18
New Line

A child therapist (Jennifer Lopez) travels inside the brain of a serial killer (Vincent D’Onofrio) in hopes of finding information that will help save his latest kidnap victim (a real kidnap victim). But all she discovers is an abundance of arcane trivia about big band musicians from the 1930s. Then, as if things aren’t bad enough already, there is an unrelated turning point in the subplot.

Best Line: "What do you mean all you learned is that Sidney Bechet never practiced on weekends? My little girl’s life is at stake!"

Web Bonus: New Line will unleash a promotional virus that displays a 30-second trailer for the movie and then erases your hard drive.

[ Summer Movie eView credits ]

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.