 |
|
|
|
|
Jackie
Chan and Cameron Diaz |
|
May 26
Touchstone
When you have uncontrollable bleeding in your stomach, you
get a surgeon. But when you have a Chinese emperor whose
daughter is kidnapped and taken to America, you get Jackie
Chan. Welcome to Shanghai Noon, where the Far
East collides with the Old West in a film that Might Suck…thanks
to Jackie Chan’s character: hapless Chinese bounty
hunter, Might Suck.
Best Line: "My homeland very different than
America. In China everyone dance like this, while in America
everyone dance like this. But, Might Suck not even like
dancing!"
Buzz: Producers believe promotional tie-in with Panda
Express will make brown sauce the next Reese’s Pieces.
Web Bonus: Click here for a list of Asian
ethnic slurs. |
|
Mel
Gibson and a woman who won’t
benefit from his fight for freedom |
|
June 30
Columbia
A South Carolina farmer (Mel Gibson) and his son
fight in the Revolutionary War. Yes, those were the good
old days, when a 15-year-old with a rifle was called a soldier,
not a sophomore.
Buzz: After test audiences booed the original ending,
Roland ("Godzilla") Emmerich shot a new one in
which America wins the war.
Web Bonus: Soundtrack exclusive: Aerosmith rocks with
their smash historical single!
Download the MP3
or Buy the CD!
|
|
Pikachu,
a harmless toy |
|
July 21
Warner Bros.
What’s round, yellow, and probably tastes like jello?
Overseas sensation Pokémon! Watch all your
favorite Pokémons, like Pikachu, Flam Flam,
and American Joey, as they frolic without reason
or logic for a very long time!
Buzz: Concerned about recent schoolyard violence,
Warner Bros. is distributing a guide for parents that will
answer such questions as: "What is the yellow thing?"
"Why does my son obey the yellow thing?" "Is
the yellow thing evil?" and "Why must I do as
the yellow thing says?"
Web Bonus: On-the-set interview with the star!
Watch
the video!
And here’s
a peek at the upcoming verse epic every child will be
forced to learn:
Arise!
Follow the Yellow Thing!
Hail the Yellow Thing!
Economic hardship is the Eskimos’ fault!
The Yellow Thing will bring bread and friendship!
So it is prophesied, so it shall be!
Unite, brothers of the tawny orb!
|
|
Operating
Thetan Level III |
|
May 12
Warner Bros.
Pursuant to the settlement reached in Los Angeles County
superior court in the matter of The Church of Scientology
v. Warner Bros. Studios, the producers of Battlefield
Earth (The Film) hereby declare and admonish that The Film
is "the action adventure thrill-ride of the summer"
and that The Film will "both entertain and enlighten
audiences of all ages." This fulfills all obligations
of the producers in this matter.
Web Bonus:
How to Make This Movie At Home:
|
|
| What
you will need: |
|
One
(1) videocassette of "Star Wars"
One
(1) copy of Dianetics
|
| Directions: |
|
1.
Put
"Star Wars" in VCR and hit PLAY.
2. Press
MUTE.
3. Read
Dianetics aloud.
|
|
|
State
trooper: $35,000/yr
Guy who makes his ass talk: $20 mil/picture |
|
June 23
20th Century Fox
Jim Carrey is a state trooper who suffers from multiple-personality
disorder. Both personalities fall in love with Renée
Zellweger. They fight over her affection and the divisive
issue of racial profiling.
Web Bonus: After masturbation, diarrhea, and penile
mutilation, what gross-out buttons will the Farrelly Brothers
push this time?Bet online. |
|
Inside
a serial killer’s mind |
|
August 18
New Line
A child therapist (Jennifer Lopez) travels inside
the brain of a serial killer (Vincent D’Onofrio)
in hopes of finding information that will help save his
latest kidnap victim (a real kidnap victim). But
all she discovers is an abundance of arcane trivia about
big band musicians from the 1930s. Then, as if things aren’t
bad enough already, there is an unrelated turning point
in the subplot.
Best Line: "What do you mean all you learned
is that Sidney Bechet never practiced on weekends? My little
girl’s life is at stake!"
Web Bonus: New Line will unleash a promotional virus
that displays a 30-second trailer for the movie and then
erases your hard drive.
|
|
