If you think this is just an empty campaign slogan, you
don't know Al Gore and the meticulous lists he keeps of
everything except fundraisers.
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Seth
Powell,
sophomore, Great Lakes University, Michigan: Gore will write
Seth's term paper on "Middlemarch" for him.
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 Michael
Reston,
31, fan of "Freaks and Geeks," Portland, OR: Gore
will introduce a rider to the Endangered Species Act which
defines certain television shows as endangered species and
calls for their protection.
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Andrew
Tarnopolos,
43, office manager at Brimko: Gore will fix all paper jams
AND replace the toner.
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Donna
Martuzzi,
15, Landing, NE: Gore will sign Anti-Donna Martuzzi-Bias
Act which makes it a crime to be biased against Donna Martuzzi,
which some people are because they’re jealous of her.
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Will
Shortz,
New York Times crossword editor: Gore will get a dog and
name him "RGP."
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Edna
Pesch,
73, Lansing, MI: Gore understands the humiliation suffered
by Edna when she and Meg play euchre at the Westside Community
Center against Tanya and Angelo. Whenever they are about
to win, Tanya always locks her hands together to approximate
a "cow" and Angelo "milks" it, to indicate
that they are in the "barn." The next time this
happens, Al will visit the Westside Community Center and
slug Tanya in the stomach.
|
 That
crying Indian from the pollution ad:
Gore will pick up the can.
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Barbra
Streisand:
Gore will sign the Farewell Tour Relief Act, which will
require the government to match expenses for any farewell
concert or tour.
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Billy
Thompson,
15, Lawrencetown, GA: The next time Butch Williams calls
Billy a fag, Gore will enumerate all of the qualities that
prove Billy's heterosexuality.
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Ants:
Gore will begin Strategic Magnifying Glass Limitations Talks
with a delegation of third-graders.
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 Carly
Simon:
Through combination of tax credits and executive orders,
Gore will resuscitate the American demand for mature, meaningful
pop.
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Timmy
Sullivan,
6, Paramus, NJ: Gore will sign an executive order prohibiting
monsters from hiding under beds.
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Karenna
Gore Schiff:
Gore will side with Karenna in all disputes between her
and other family members.
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Harry
Potter:
For magical children who are underserved by the public schools,
Gore will endorse the Hogwarts Vouchers Program.
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 Cher:
Gore will support HL 475b, creating a $500 tax credit
for the belief of life after love.
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Mutants:
Gore will veto all Mutant Registration Acts.
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Joshua
Holmes,
Walton, NH, who is irritated by barking of neighbors’
chihuahua: Gore will declare war on Mexico.
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