1.
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The Brown and
Williamson Tobacco Lobby (designated smoking area).
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2.
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Credentials
desk: Skin tone and hair color compared to charts until
quotas are filled that will allow convention to look like
America, only more so. (Top advisors, decision-makers and
St Albans grads are exempt.)
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3.
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UN emasculation
desk. Upon entering the Staples Center, all US military
personnel must report for orders from peacekeepers from
Canada and the Republic of Bahrain.
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4.
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Bill Bradley
Free Throw Line. Take all the shots you want. None of them
count.
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5.
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ATM machines.
For your convenience, ATM's will dispense cash but no receipts
or anything else that could constitute a paper trail.
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6.
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Dreidel sale.
Honor our historic ticket with this genuine Bakelite dreidel!
Which spooky Kabbala messages will you get?
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7.
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Recycling bins.
Bottles, cans, Republican issues.
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8.
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VIP Area. VIP
stands for Very Inclusive Party! The VIP area is open to
everyone.
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9.
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Divisive and
exclusionary area. Invitation only.
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10.
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Affirmative
action seating. Minorities and women will get a little extra
help seeing the podium with these extra-high chairs.
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11.
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Meet Al Gore's
nephews. These newly discovered members of the Vice President's
extended family are sure to please. Meet Al P. Gore, his
long lost sexy Latino nephew and Al C. "Colin"
Gore, his long lost hunky black Gulf War hero nephew.
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12.
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Dunking booth.
Fifty cents for three chances to douse Lady Bird Johnson.
(Don't worry, she has no awareness of where she is anymore.
She thinks she's collecting wildflowers in the Hill Country
of central Texas and keeps getting caught in thunderstorms.)
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