In
a perfect world, each of us would be able to attend every
single event this week, there would be no poverty or drug
abuse and homeless people would have magical powers. But,
as the Republicans have time and again ensured, this is
not a perfect world. And so we present this short list of
the most exciting convention events.
Monday
12 PM
Ceremonial distancing from President Clinton. President
Clinton will stand still while Al Gore walks progressively
farther from him until they can no longer see each other,
at which point the band will launch into "A Different
Kind of Man" by Patsy Cline.
Monday
8 PM
Jon Corzine speech. Two minutes of prime time is reserved
for New Jersey Senate candidate. Note: Jon donated $35
million for this honor, so please, please, please KEEP
A STRAIGHT FACE. Don't blow this for the rest of us.
Monday
8:02 PM
Evan Bayh speech. Senator Bayh will pound his fists on
the floor while screaming "It's not fair, it's not
fair!"
Tuesday
11 AM
Hate crimes education. An experiment will be conducted
in which two laboratory mice are killed, one by a scientist
who loves mice and one by a scientist who hates them.
The difference will be striking. Afterwards, several death
row inmates will be electrocuted on stage, just to prove
we have the guts.
Tuesday
3 PM
Redistribution of wealth. Selected poor people will be
brought inside to take your cash. (Remember: Monopoly
money only, please!)
Tuesday
8 PM
Hillary Rodham Clinton finishes her Monday evening speech.
Wednesday
1 PM
Lecture by Hisashi Suzuki, the Japanese electronics expert
who designed the first model of Vice President Gore.
Wednesday
5 PM
Piñata competition. Delegates and party functionaries
attempt to dislodge cash money from a colorful piñata
in the shape of a Chinese businessman.
Wednesday
9:30 PM
Inspiring documentary of Al Gore's college years, made
in 1970 and starring Ryan O'Neal and Ali McGraw.
Thursday
5:30 PM
Vice President Gore formally accepts alpha male status.
In his keynote address, Al Gore shakes a tree violently
and bangs a rock against it. Cowed, President Clinton
crouches down and presents his buttocks as the Vice President
symbolically mounts him.
Thursday
7 PM
Distribution of celebratory noisemakers. We're not saying
anyone should use them near Dick Cheney, but we obviously
can't keep an eye on all of you at once.
Friday
1 PM
Spontaneous joking with the nominee. Vice President Gore
will lay waste to claims of his stiffness by reciting
witty comebacks to hecklers. If you'd like to serve as
heckler, please stop by one hour early to be assigned
a rude comment.
Friday
4 PM
Commemoration of the 40th anniversary of John F. Kennedy's
presidential nomination. Britney Spears sings "Happy
Nomination" to Al Gore. Tipper will vet the lyrics.
Friday
sundown
Shabbat services. Just bow your head and hum along.
NOTE: Al Gore's concession speech has been postponed.
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