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The alligator in the opening montage? Her cousin is a good friend of one of our interns. That’s just one of our sources for the exclusive "Survivor" spoilers we’ll be presenting in this space every week. The really juicy stuff is written in hidden text, so you won’t accidentally learn anything you can’t handle. The really, really juicy stuff is written in hidden text and rebus form.

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Reliable sources have confirmed that the next episode of Survivor will feature unprecedented levels of sex and violence, which is to say, not very much at all. As glimpsed in the previews, Mike (also known as Michigan Jim) surprises his tribe by slaying a wild boar with his Pigkiller 2001 spear and anointing himself in its blood, intoning, "God has chosen me above all others. Kneel before me, O children of Kucha." The tribe eats well and regains enough strength that Rodger (Kentucky Joe) is able to walk across camp without falling down once. As a token of his affection, Rodger rips the still beating heart from the dead pig and presents it to Elisabeth (Massachusetts Lindsey), saying, "It’s shaped like a heart, isn’t it?" Elisabeth, touched by the gesture, repeats her pledge from last week: "I will not spell that man's name on a piece of paper." Then she adds, "at least, not correctly."

"My stock has gone way up," Mike confides after the luau.
"I’m about to be registered with NASDAQ." But not everyone is impressed. "He may be getting food, but I’m still the only one carrying water," gripes Kimmi (Ronkonkoma Monica) "I’m lugging these jugs around everyday. I mean, these are huge jugs! Would you look at the size of my jugs!"

At Ogakor, Colby (Texas Tex) continues his flirtatious quizzing of Jerri (California Jezebel)
"Doritos or Tostitos?" he asks her winningly. "Lucas or Spielberg? Jefferson or Madison? Snap, Crackle or Pop?" "I like anything you like, cowboy," Jerri giggles, as the camera cuts to a spider devouring a fly and then laughing at it. Eduardo (Barcelona Juan) volunteers that he prefers Samba to Bossa Nova, but as usual, no one seems to notice him.

The message announcing the next reward challenge reads:
"To win this challenge will not take days. All you have to do is get through the maze." This leads to a frenzy of speculation at Ogakor. "Maybe we’ll have to get through some kind of maze," suggests Colby, taxing his intellect to the limits. "Or maybe it involves lifting rocks. That could take days!" Amber (Amber) has another idea. "Maybe we’re all gonna be tied up," she gushes. "And tickled!"

Ogakor wins the reward challenge and returns to camp with a live chicken. When Ogakor won fishing gear in last week’s episode, Mitchell (New Jersey Gheorghe Muresan) whined, "It sucks that they don’t give us the fish, they just give us the means to fish." This time, he insists, "Instead of handing us the bird, they should have left two birds in the bush." Keith (Michigan Emeril) cooks up the chicken with his secret blend of 11 herbs and spices, and declares, "My stock is up 2 3/8th in early trading, though there are still signs of volatility." As they eat the chicken, Colby sidles up to Jerri and coos, "barbecue or honey mustard?"

Meanwhile at Kucha, tensions simmer when Nick (Harvard Gervase) spends the day rearranging patio furniture in an effort to achieve better feng shui. Jeff (New York Mary) seems particularly angry, and Alicia (Herpes Labialis) explains that his position as alpha decorator
is threatened. "I’d like to talk about my stock, but I’ve entered an SEC-mandated pre-IPO quiet period," Jeff says.

As Tribal Council approaches,
Mitchell finds himself targeted by his teammates after he accidentally stands up inside the tent and, with his freakish height and oddly pointed head, rips Colby’s flag. Tina (Tennessee Ernie Ford) says she can mend it with one stitch, but Mitchell argues that it would be better to wait and use nine. Fortunately for Mitchell, Colby misses the whole event, as he’s busy asking Jerri important questions such as, "Leather or lace? Top or bottom?" Jerri answers by removing her bikini and the camera cuts to a python sinking its fangs into a bunny rabbit and burying it in an unmarked grave.

—Daniel Radosh

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Previous Spoilers:
Episode 2
Episode 1

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