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IN 1950, the British mathematician Alan M. Turing proposed a simple test to determine whether or not a computer could think as humans do. In this ingenious exercise, a human "interrogator" would question a subject in a remote location for five minutes. Once a computer placed in the remote location were able to fool its interrogator and pass as human, that computer will have achieved human sentience. Keep in mind Turing was used to the wooden, stultifying conversation patterns of British humans.

Turing predicted that by the year 2000 a computer would exist that could pass his test and pass itself off as human. Sick of hearing such smug predictions from the deceased British number-cruncher, we tested Dr. Turing’s test on a Dell PowerEdge 6400 with a 100MHz front side bus and 32KB level 1 cache running Microsoft Windows 2000 Server, connected to a T-3 line and placed in room 508 of the St. Ursala Assisted Living Facility outside Lawrence, Kansas.

Section I: Easy Questions
MH:
Hello. I’m going to ask you a few simple questions. State your name please.
Dell PowerEdge:
Simon III.
MH:
Your full name?
Dell:
Max Felix John Simon III.
MH:
Where are you from?
Dell:
I’m from… Belize.
MH:
Have any family?
Dell:
No.
MH:
What happened to them?
Dell:
…Earthquake.
MH:
Sorry to hear. What do you do for a living?
Dell:
Manufacturing.
MH:
You mean you work in a factory, or you’re a supervisor?
Dell:
Yes.

Section II: Psychology
MH:
Please take out the pictures we emailed to you. What does the first one look like to you?
Dell:
It looks like an ink splotch.
MH:
Okay, but look deep into it, let your imagination run wild.
Dell:
Two ink splotches.
MH:
Deeper, wilder.
Dell:
Actually, four ink splotches.
MH:
Maybe you don’t understand. Look at these pictures, and then tell me what they remind you of. You know, like a butterfly, or a face. Try the second one.
Dell:
Butterfly?
MH:
Good! Now try the third.
Dell:
Butterfly face.

Section III: Trick Questions
MH:
It’s time to do the laundry. You need to wash a white t-shirt, a blue pinstriped button-down, a black turtleneck, and a red sweater with white polka dots. How many loads will you need to do?
Dell:
Uh, but that could all fit in one load.
MH:
Darks and lights in the same load?
Dell:
Two loads would do it.

Section IV: Psychology Again
MH:
Let’s play a little game. I’m going to say a word, and you say the next word that comes into your mind.
Dell:
Sounds easy.
MH:
Okay, here we go. "Dog."
Dell:
Any member of a set of species including Canis familiaris or domesticated—
MH:
No, no, no. I say a word, then you say what it makes you think of.
Dell:
Oh, I get it. Try me again.
MH:
Electricity.
Dell:
Food.
MH:
"Food"?
Dell:
That’s what I thought of. Wouldn’t it be cool if electricity were not a dangerous threat to living tissue, but instead a filling meal? Of course, that’s not the case for humans like us.

Section V: Nap Time
MH:
Are you a computer?
Dell:
Nope.
MH:
You’d be surprised how many fall for that one.
Dell:
Not me.

Section VI: Math
MH:
What’s fifty-six times thirty-three?
Dell:
One thousand eight hundred forty-eight.
MH:
You’re pretty fast!
Dell:
Those are my favorite numbers.
MH:
All right, how about five thousand and two divided by sixty-one?
Dell:
Eighty-two.
MH:
Right again! Are you some sort of math whiz?
Dell:
Those are… more of my favorite numbers.

Section VII: Computer Science
MH:
How good are you with computers?
Dell:
About the same as an average person, I’d say. Yourself?
MH:
Here’s an easy question. Let’s say you type the following program into a computer:
10 PRINT "HELLO"
20 GOTO 10
What do you think would happen?
Dell:
Ha! Ha ha. Well, I… Um. I think— RRNNEEAAAAHH!!!
HELLO
HELLO
HELLO
HELLO
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HELLO
HELLO
MH:
Thanks for your time.


Other robot humor:
The Jim Morrison Simulatron
A.I.: The Robot Review

More computer comedy:
FAQ: The ILOVEYOU Virus
Secrets of the Stolen Laptop
















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