Not only was the Bronx’s star Little League pitcher Danny Almonte two years too old to participate, the Associated Press reports that the cunning master of deception did not play enough regular season games to qualify for the championships. Clearly, this child is one of the greatest criminal minds of the hemisphere. Or is he? Long before Sports Illustrated and Staten Island’s elite corps of private detectives starting turning up forged birth certificates and suspicious pubic hairs, Modern Humorist was on the case. Here is the circumstantial evidence we uncovered which, alas, has become all too stantial.
EVIDENCE COLLECTED BY MH INVESTIGATORS
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Almonte’s trash contained a ticket stub to “Ghosts of Mars,” an R-rated film.
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Almonte sighted purchasing a carton of Basic 100s at a local deli. No self-respecting New York deli owner would sell cigarettes to a minor.
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Close-ups of Almonte pitching against Delaware in the quarterfinal round reveal what appears to be a City College 1949 class ring.
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Almonte teammate Julian Vives, 10, stated that sometimes, when playing the outfield, Almonte would seem to forget where he was and would admonish the other outfielders to “get off my damn lawn.” (Full disclosure: Statement was made over ice cream cones paid for by MH.)
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Bronx librarian stated that Almonte checked out “Gags to Riches” by Joey Adams.
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Local video store clerk stated that Almonte had purchased the entire first and second seasons of “Murder She Wrote” on previously viewed videocassette.
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Discovered a photograph of Almonte shaking hands with Elvis Presley.
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An eight-year-old assistant obtained Almonte’s autograph, which was then compared to one of the signatures on the Declaration of Independence. A match!
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After the semi-final win over Apopca, Florida, in which Almonte pitched a no-hitter and struck out 16, his team headed to Chuck E. Cheese to celebrate. Almonte begged off, claiming he did not feel well. Agents trailed Almonte and found that instead of going home, he went to the heart of the Everglades, where he defeated Christopher Lambert in a vicious claymore battle, beheading him and shouting “There can be only one!” |
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Images of Almonte appear on the walls of several ancient temples in what is now Cambodia. The Zuni pueblo Indians speak of a trickster from the East who will lie to a whole nation and wow crowds with a 70 mph fastball. Kabbalistic scholars believe that hidden within the Hebrew letters spelling the names of the kings of Judah are the words “woe,” “Paulino” and “ground rule double.” |
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Almonte overheard telling friends that he thinks Jay Leno is funny. |
