Jai al Leno, the Taliban's "Minister of Monologue," has been underground for the past few weeks, but he's turned up again in a Mazar-i-Sharif prison camp where he's been boosting the morale of fellow POW's with his trademark one-liners and quips.
"Boy, it didn't take the Northern Alliance long to capture Kabul, did it? I guess the attack came at noon and the Taliban retreated around two o'clock. By four, the men had all shaved their beards, by six the women had thrown away their burqas, and by eight p.m. 'Shallow Hal' had grossed over $14 million."
"I think I know what made us underestimate the Allied forces first name 'John,' last name 'Walker,' third name 'Lindh.' Seriously, have you seen this doofus? He's the American who came to Afghanistan to fight alongside the Taliban. Mullah Omar took one look at that pasty midsection and said 'If the US attacks us with 50,000 of these assholes, we've got no worries.' Just a little note to other Americans who might want to defect: If you're going to join the Jihad, we'd appreciate it if you bring something besides a backpack full of Clif Bars and 'Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.'"
"Of course, those kids who came over from the religious schools in Quetta won't be Ultimate Fighting Champions anytime soon. Am I right? What did they think this was 'Al-Jazeera's Spring Break'? I've seen better fighting technique on 'The Facts of Life.'"
"How about that prison riot, huh? We were really holding our own there for a while, although I have to say that flooding us out of the basement was really a cheap shot. Everyone knows that Afghans are not the strongest swimmers. Have you heard about the Taliban triathlon? First we boast that we will 'make American blood flow like rivers through the canyons of Jalalabad,' then we say that 'the real war won't start until ground troops set foot on Afghan soil,' and then there's a panicky, 60-mile bike into Pakistan."
"Right before Osama fled Tora Bora, he apparently ordered his soldiers to tell their wives to stay and fight. You know the old Taliban proverb: 'Behind every great man there are four great women, to act as human shields.'"
"Dick Cheney says that America has found an amateurish video on which Osama admits he had knowledge of the September 11 attacks. No one in the White House speaks Arabic, of course, but I hear President Bush has been enjoying a later section of the tape in which Osama's nephew hits him in the nuts with a Wiffle bat."
"Have you been following this conference in Germany that's supposed to set up a new interim Government? They say that this time, the government will include women. That's right. I don't want to alarm anyone, but I heard Hillary Clinton say yesterday that her favorite goat-head polo team is Herat."
John Warner and Kevin Guilfoile