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FOLLOWING THE ANNOUNCEMENT that scientists at Brown University had created a brain implant that allowed a monkey to move a computer cursor with its mind, news agencies around the globe hailed this advancement in neuroscience and monkey torture. Few news outlets, however, delved beyond the headline, thereby missing out on other fascinating results of the research.

Monkey 001A - Uses mind to move computer cursor, receives banana as reward from scientists. Monkey goes temporarily insane when "Flying Windows" screen saver pops up.

Monkey 124C - Uses mind to move banana directly to mouth, eliminating need to move cursor and please scientists. Monkey 124C then uses mind to move scientists out window, where they plummet eight stories down into the research center’s lap pool.

Monkey 736G - Uses mind to move the Baxter family from a duplex in the city to a three-bedroom starter in the suburbs. When Alice Baxter complains to the monkey that her commute will now be twice as long, Monkey 736G nips the dangly flesh beneath her arm.

Monkey 658E - Uses mind to move for an adjournment, as clearly the case of Alice Baxter v. Monkey 736G is not going to be settled before dinner.

Monkey 390U - Uses mind to move a grown man to tears with a tragic tale of passionate yet doomed monkey love. Man feels so sorry for monkey that he gives him five dollars for bananas, but will later feel deceived when he realizes the story’s premise was lifted from the film "Dying Young."

Monkey 882B - Uses mind to move the last of the winter pullovers before the new spring line of crop tops arrive. Monkey 882B’s business acumen and salesmanship is praised by regional manager, Monkey 275H, who mates with her furiously.

Monkey 923S - Uses mind to move the plot forward, sacrificing character development and believability. After being savaged by one critic, who arrogantly refers to the device as nothing but a "Deus ex Monkina," monkey breaks critic in half and stuffs him up chimney.

Monkey 192Y - Uses mind to move bowels onto desk of critic who savaged the work of Monkey 923S. When Monkey 923S explains that he has already killed the critic via a method which will be recognized by the authorities as a sly literary reference, Monkey 192Y expresses his delight by flinging handfuls of his feces at the wall.

Monkey 737R - Uses mind to move in mysterious ways.

Monkey 235P - Uses mind to move on. While this scientific research stuff is good for paying the bills, in five years, Monkey 235P really sees himself in some kind of banana-related enterprise.

More monkey humor:
Are You the Alpha Male?
Monkey Hot or Not?

More by Christopher Painter:
Didn't Make the Cut
Building the Perfect Salmon
Elf at His Best
The Box Set of the Year

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