News
from the fishbowl:
Carassius is Banished! Ralph Wins!
RALPH’S
INCREASINGLY erratic behavior terrified
his fellow fish, but charmed viewers. By a 10-point
margin, viewers voted to banish Carassius and
award Ralph the $500,000 grand prize. "You
never saw me pooping, you sons of bitches!"
a delighted Ralph whooped when given the news.
Read the news from the last two weeks, then
watch
the video of Carassius’s removal
from the bowl. And keep an eye on Modern Humorist
during the fall sweeps when we’ll reunite
all the bowl guests for a special town meeting
and see how their lives have changed.
Weeks
Four and Five:
7/28
Without Cindy
Cindy brought very little to the bowl in terms
of life, but her absence profoundly affected the
remaining bowlmates. They were upset that she
didn’t say goodbye or even wave, though later
Ralph discovered she had left behind most of her
scales and something that may have been a fin.
Carassius and Ralph spent some time reminiscing,
and while neither could remember his favorite
Cindy quote, they both agreed there was something
about the way she coyly evaded eye-contact and
never seemed to breathe. Both cried that night—
Carassius for what could have been, Ralph because
he cries every night— and then they slept.
Cindy will be missed indeed.
7/31 Ultimate Challenge
Big Brother gave the bowl guests a challenge:
do something— anything— to make the
ratings better. Big Brother pointed out that "Big
Brother: Life in a German Fishbowl" and "Big
Brother: Life in a Dutch Fishbowl" both got
high ratings, which would seem to indicate that
the fault was with the boring fish selected for
the American version, though they acknowledged
Germany and Holland have only three television
channels combined. In response to the challenge,
Carassius suggested he exhibit his reproductive
glands. Ralph also suggested Carassius exhibit
his reproductive glands. Big Brother sighed heavily
and said, "Just forget it, okay."
8/1 Questions...
Carassius finally took out the Book of Questions
that he had brought. First question: How would
you like to die? Ralph answered first, saying,
"No, how would *you* like to die!" At
that point Carassius decided to stop playing.
Later, Carassius confided in Big Brother that,
"Ralph is really getting to me. He's constantly
staring at me and mouthing the words, 'I will
kill you,' and 'I have killed before, and you
are my next victim.' It's just sort of creepy,
especially when I wake up and find him standing
over me with a sharpened rock."
8/4 To Tell the Truth
In a rare moment of honesty, Carassius confided
in Big Brother that he wasn't good at anything
except lying. He lied about being HIV positive.
He lied about sleeping with Cindy. He once lied
about being a skate, just to impress a female.
Carassius ended his confession by telling Big
Brother that if he won, he would use the money
to pay for therapy and to find Cindy and apologize
to her. Then he admitted he was lying again.
8/6
Communications Breakdown
After a few days of not speaking to one
another, Carassius finally approached Ralph
and suggested they talk. Ralph looked Carassius
in the eye and said, "Let's talk, Carassius."
He then looked to his right and said, "Let's
talk Burt," and then behind him, saying, "But
to you, Zyrhil, I will not speak." At that point
Carassius swam away, hiding under some rocks
and praying that Ralph would just fall asleep.
8/7 The Ultimate, Ultimate Challenge
The fish were asked to arm wrestle. The challenge
was foiled when neither fish had any arms.
8/8 Catching Up
Carassius asked Ralph to play catch. They
had a great time tossing a pebble back and forth,
until Ralph began making wild throws and then
complaining that "that bastard Zyrhil isn’t
even trying."
8/10 Carassius is Banished.
[ See
the final votes | Watch
the video ]
"I guess I'm just upset because if I
had won the money, I could have finally afforded
that life-saving operation for my brother. Don't
feel bad about killing him, just because I wasn't
as exciting as Ralph."
See what happened in:
[
Week One | Week
Two | Week Three
]
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