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NEWSFLASH: Ralph Wins!

News from the fishbowl:
Carassius is Banished! Ralph Wins!

RALPH’S INCREASINGLY erratic behavior terrified his fellow fish, but charmed viewers. By a 10-point margin, viewers voted to banish Carassius and award Ralph the $500,000 grand prize. "You never saw me pooping, you sons of bitches!" a delighted Ralph whooped when given the news.

Read the news from the last two weeks, then watch the video of Carassius’s removal from the bowl. And keep an eye on Modern Humorist during the fall sweeps when we’ll reunite all the bowl guests for a special town meeting and see how their lives have changed.

Weeks Four and Five:

7/28 Without Cindy
Cindy brought very little to the bowl in terms of life, but her absence profoundly affected the remaining bowlmates. They were upset that she didn’t say goodbye or even wave, though later Ralph discovered she had left behind most of her scales and something that may have been a fin. Carassius and Ralph spent some time reminiscing, and while neither could remember his favorite Cindy quote, they both agreed there was something about the way she coyly evaded eye-contact and never seemed to breathe. Both cried that night— Carassius for what could have been, Ralph because he cries every night— and then they slept. Cindy will be missed indeed.

7/31 Ultimate Challenge
Big Brother gave the bowl guests a challenge: do something— anything— to make the ratings better. Big Brother pointed out that "Big Brother: Life in a German Fishbowl" and "Big Brother: Life in a Dutch Fishbowl" both got high ratings, which would seem to indicate that the fault was with the boring fish selected for the American version, though they acknowledged Germany and Holland have only three television channels combined. In response to the challenge, Carassius suggested he exhibit his reproductive glands. Ralph also suggested Carassius exhibit his reproductive glands. Big Brother sighed heavily and said, "Just forget it, okay."

8/1 Questions...
Carassius finally took out the Book of Questions that he had brought. First question: How would you like to die? Ralph answered first, saying, "No, how would *you* like to die!" At that point Carassius decided to stop playing. Later, Carassius confided in Big Brother that, "Ralph is really getting to me. He's constantly staring at me and mouthing the words, 'I will kill you,' and 'I have killed before, and you are my next victim.' It's just sort of creepy, especially when I wake up and find him standing over me with a sharpened rock."

8/4 To Tell the Truth
In a rare moment of honesty, Carassius confided in Big Brother that he wasn't good at anything except lying. He lied about being HIV positive. He lied about sleeping with Cindy. He once lied about being a skate, just to impress a female. Carassius ended his confession by telling Big Brother that if he won, he would use the money to pay for therapy and to find Cindy and apologize to her. Then he admitted he was lying again.

8/6 Communications Breakdown
After a few days of not speaking to one another, Carassius finally approached Ralph and suggested they talk. Ralph looked Carassius in the eye and said, "Let's talk, Carassius." He then looked to his right and said, "Let's talk Burt," and then behind him, saying, "But to you, Zyrhil, I will not speak." At that point Carassius swam away, hiding under some rocks and praying that Ralph would just fall asleep.

8/7 The Ultimate, Ultimate Challenge
The fish were asked to arm wrestle. The challenge was foiled when neither fish had any arms.

8/8 Catching Up
Carassius asked Ralph to play catch. They had a great time tossing a pebble back and forth, until Ralph began making wild throws and then complaining that "that bastard Zyrhil isn’t even trying."

8/10 Carassius is Banished.
[ See the final votes | Watch the video ]
"I guess I'm just upset because if I had won the money, I could have finally afforded that life-saving operation for my brother. Don't feel bad about killing him, just because I wasn't as exciting as Ralph."

See what happened in:

[ Week One | Week Two | Week Three ]

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