As we enter the 21st Century, America is hungry for leadership, and America's porpoise is hungry for herring, mackerel and squid. George W. Bush offers a positive, pro-marine mammal agenda to renew America's porpoise and unite all of us—black and white, Phocoena and Neomeris—as one nation so we can realize our dreams.

Monday, July 31
Opportunity with a Porpoise: Leave No Child Behind
We all know the educational and health benefits of swimming with porpoises, but these animals can swim as fast as 30 miles per hour, and too many of our children are unable to keep up. As part of his vow to "leave no child behind," Governor Bush proposes steps to make these majestic creatures slow down and "wait up" for our little ones by attaching lead weights to their flippers. On the first night of the convention, Mrs. Laura Bush and General Colin Powell will climb into a specially constructed tank to swim with a porpoise to be named later.

Tuesday, August 1
Strength and Security with a Porpoise: Safe in Our Homes and in the World
In a post-Cold War era, America must improve its ability to destroy enemy battleships and submersibles silently and effectively. Governor Bush plans to dedicate his defense policy to the development of small mines that can be strapped to the backs of porpoises and dolphins trained to seek out and rub up against the enemy. At the convention, Senator John McCain will convey the message that this program will make us "safe in our homes." This is a metaphor only; it does not mean that porpoises will be quartered in our homes, a potential violation of Article III of the Constitution.

Wednesday, August 2
Prosperity with a Porpoise: Keeping America's Porpoise Prosperous
Prosperity with a porpoise means that every person willing to work hard should be able to realize the American dream: owning a porpoise. Governor Bush would "tear down the tollbooths to porpoise-owning" and "set fire to them, perhaps with the toll collectors still inside, warming his hands over the blaze while wearing his hallmark smirk." Breaking with tradition, the third night of the convention will feature a speech by a porpoise in its native language of clicks and whistles (simultaneous Spanish translation available).

Thursday, August 3
President with a Porpoise: A Strong Leader Who Can Train a Cetacean to Jump Through a Hoop and Get Things Done
The focal point of the last night will be Governor Bush's attempts to train a porpoise to jump through a hoop, perhaps one that is on fire, in exchange for a reward of fish. After eight years of a president with a cat and then a dog, but with no morals or marine mammals, Governor Bush will demonstrate that it is time for a president with a porpoise. An introductory video will ensure that he doesn't have to speak too much himself.