I made new friends who share my interest in

• the marriage tax penalty
• school prayer
• private investments in Social Security
• collecting antique guns
• the servant problem
• secret transvestism.

I exchanged cards with

• 20,000
• 25,000
• 30,000
• 35,000

property-owning white businessmen earning more than $100,000 per year.

I met

• One
• Two
• Three

black delegates. Their names were

• Cynthia Stevens
• Marcus Jefferson
• William Russell

I learned the most about

• our party's platform
• General Motors
• Bell Atlantic
• Phillip Morris
• the showgirls at the Dangerous Curves gentleman's club

My favorite part of the convention was

• George W. Bush's speech
• George W. Bush's speech
• George W. Bush's speech
• George W. Bush's speech
• the Lighted Boat Parade and Fireworks

The best event, besides George W. Bush's speech, was

• John McCain's book signing
• the Blues Traveler concert
• Midwest Young Republicans Happy Hour
• the Lighted Boat Parade and Fireworks
• the tragic mishap involving protestors dressed as sea turtles at the Lighted Boat Parade and Fireworks

• CINDI blonde, 36D, smokin' figure, believes abortion is murder
• MICHELLA redhead, 34D, hotter than hot, supports a Constitutional amendment to return prayer to our schools
• SUZIE Asian (need we say more?), feels a certain connection with Steve Forbes' flat tax plan, but understands that the voters aren't ready for it yet