DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, THERE'S LOTS TO SEE IN PHILLY! FROM THE LIBERTY BELL TO A TOTALLY DIFFERENT BELL WITH A CRACK IN IT, YOU'LL NEVER BE BORED OUT OF YOUR SKULL IN THIS TOWN. DON'T MISS THESE THOROUGHLY ADEQUATE ATTRACTIONS.

See the park rangers dressed up in knee pants and wigs at Independence Hall, where the Declaration of Independence was signed. This document excoriates a man named George, "a Prince whose Character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the Ruler of a Free People."

The Philadelphia Zoo has elephants, elephants, elephants! Watch as these enormous creatures defecate voluminously and wait for other people to clean it up.

You've seen it on TV, now see North Philadelphia from street level. The site where a mob of police officers beat the holy crap out of carjacker Thomas Jones a few weeks ago is Philly's newest attraction. Please don't buy their Welcome America t-shirts. We're trying to discourage this newest attraction.

Looking for fun, safe river-front entertainment? It's been almost two months since the last time three people were killed and 37 injured when Pier 34 collapsed, so we're now officially declaring it open for visitors again! (Visitors should please keep a safe distance.)

Free Mumia! Tour! That is, take a free tour of 13th and Locust, the street corner where Mumia Abu-Jamal shot police officer Daniel Faulkner. (It's so nice to be writing for Republicans. I hate having to type "allegedly" all the time!)

For an authentic Philly experience that's truly "da bomb," find your way over to Osage Avenue, where the police department dropped several bombs on the headquarters of MOVE in 1985. Appropriate response to lawlessness? Ominous, Waco-presaging assault on private property? You're both right!

Never heard of the Park Hyatt hotel? Maybe you know it better as the Bellevue Stratford. Or maybe, like the rest of us, you just call it the place where Legionnaires Disease first struck in 1976, killing 29 and making 151 unpleasantly ill.

Closed to the public: The apartment where Ira "Unicorn Killer" Einhorn stashed the body of his girlfriend has been removed from official guidebooks. As of last week, Einhorn is on his way back to Philadelphia. We understand he's psychic, and Mrs. Reagan has asked that we not look for trouble.