Tom Ridge (Governor of Pennsylvania): Flosses after every meal.

Colin Powell (Former Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff): Flinches at the sound of thunder.

Condi Rice (George W. Bush's Foreign Policy Advisor): Fluent in Ubbi Dubbi and Oompa Loompa. Also, hellcat in sack.

Gary Bauer (Former Republican Candidate): Enjoys Jamoca Almond Fudge ice cream on a hot day. Also, believes homosexuality is ripping at the integrity of the traditional family unit.

Pat Robertson (Host, 700 Club): Wears footy pajamas.

J.C. Watts (Oklahoma Congressman): 1981 MVP of Canadian Football League's Grey Cup. Also, black.

Ralph Reed (Former leader, Christian Coalition): Collects Beanie Babies.

Dick Cheney (Vice Presidential Nominee): After a few drinks, does dead-on impression of Mr. Rogers' deliveryman, Speedy McFeely.

Strom Thurmond (South Carolina Senator): Childhood nickname—"Crusty."

Elizabeth Dole (Token Female Vice Presidential Prospect): Is a geothermally powered android.

George W. Bush (Presidential Nominee): Hellcat in sack.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Uncertainty may gnaw at your insides, but this is no time to question your support of school vouchers.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20): Too many social obligations could impede your ability to enjoy life. Try skipping Thursday's happy hour at the Mint.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19): The moon is in the house of DuPont and Saturn is aligned with Libra and Lockheed Martin. You know how to vote, my friend.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20): There's a lesbian lover somewhere in your future—just gotta warn you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Your ability to think long-term may be a bit clouded this week, so try not to lie as much as usual.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): You will be crushed to death by thousands of celebratory balloons.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Watch out for surprise birthday parties. Does attending an enormous political convention sound like a suspiciously mundane reason for several hundred of your acquaintances to congregate? It very well may be.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22): Listen to those around you. If what they're saying impresses people, use it in your own empty rhetoric.

Libra (Sep. 23-Oct. 22): Rapid mood swings are to be expected. But not real ones. Feign excitement during the major speeches and suddenly get very sad during each Compassion Video about puppies in Cleveland.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Things may be tough for a while, but that's just the fault of illegal aliens.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): A change of professions may be in store for you. I'm thinking maybe prison social worker or abortionist.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Dick Cheney will bump into you at the popcorn stand. Act cool.