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The alligator in the opening montage? Her cousin is a good friend of one of our interns. That’s just one of our sources for the exclusive "Survivor" spoilers we’ll be presenting in this space every week. The really juicy stuff is written in hidden text, so you won’t accidentally learn anything you can’t handle. The really, really juicy stuff is written in hidden text and rebus form.

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The next episode of "Survivor" begins with a warning: "The following show contains scenes of
slaughter and bloodlust that may be disturbing, particularly for the creatures being slaughtered. Viewer discretion is advised, as is videotaping." Michael, having whet his appetite for death last week, is delighted to catch and hack up another wild pig, this one even smaller and cuter. "This is some pig!" he tells the tribe, smearing its innards on his face. "I know because it said so on the spider web above his head. Also, I killed the spider." As the nearby wildfire continues to rage, other creatures are flushed into Mike’s killing grounds include Babe, Thumper and two Ewoks.

Although Kucha is eating well now, Kimmi won’t stop whining about the cuisine. "I don’t eat mammals!" she shrieks, in case no one heard her the first fifty times. "Why doesn’t somebody kill a worm? I can eat a worm!" Attempts to explain to Kimmi that chickens are not mammals go nowhere. Nick tries to entice her by again quipping,"Once you go dark meat, you never go back." Then Jeff argues in favor of cooking the male bird by declaring, "I love to eat cock." Finally, Mike goes off to slay more animals for his unholy sacrifice, but the tables are turned when he is set upon by a pack of specially-trained wild boars that eat his face.

Scenes of Ogakor are preceded by another warning: "The following tribe contains some of the dumbest people ever, even without Mitchell." While the tribe attempts to extinguish the wildfire using rockslides, dead wood and car batteries, Jerri tries to woo Colby back into the Union by explaining the importance of benefits and overtime pay and by singing Woody Guthrie ballads. Jerri explains that the Union is only the vanguard of broader social change and that a revolution is coming, to be followed by a dictatorship of the proletariat. Colby replies that his brain hurts and they go off hunting. "Oh cowboy, you are all muscle," Jerri coos at him. "Especially your big long spear." Watching them, Keith declares himself "miffeded and disgustified." When they return, Jerri makes Colby give her a piggyback ride across the river so she won’t melt.

The immunity challenge continues where last week’s reward challenge puzzle left off. This time, the survivors compete to get a giant ball on a string into a giant plastic cup, move a giant chain into the shape of a giant guy’s nose, and use a giant magnet to give a guy a beard made of giant iron filings. Kucha wins easily as Ogakor struggles to remember which part of the face is the nose.

Tribal Council Jeff Probst begins by saying, "I just want to observe that Kucha is making you its bitch. Can’t you losers do anything right?"

When the votes are counted, there is a tie: three votes each for Amber and Eduardo. Told to make their cases before the revote, Amber stuns her teammates by telling them she’s weak and tired and never gets any airtime anyway, so they might as well vote her off. Eduardo says, "I agree. Vote Amber off." When the votes are counted again, the result is another tie. Although the rules say that any previous Tribal Council votes are now added, neither Amber nor Eduardo has any prior votes against them. ("Frankly, I never even noticed them before," Tina confesses.) Jeff Probst announces that the next stage is to turn over the vote to the Supreme Court, which rules 5-4 that the winner of the million dollars is George W. Bush.

—Daniel Radosh

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Previous Spoilers:
Episode 3
Episode 2
Episode 1

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