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The alligator in the opening montage? Her cousin is a good friend of one of our interns. That’s just one of our sources for the exclusive "Survivor" spoilers we’ll be presenting in this space every week. The really juicy stuff is written in hidden text, so you won’t accidentally learn anything you can’t handle. The really, really juicy stuff is written in hidden text and rebus form.

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Horrifying, brutal tragedy strikes next week with the CBS series premieres of “Kate Brasher” and “Some of My Best Friends.” Fortunately, there’s also a new episode of “Survivor,” and our sources tell us that it’s going to be one of the best ever—filled with horrifying, brutal tragedy!

The terrifying incident occurs in the Kucha camp when Michael, worried that his leadership mantle is slipping, attempts to skin a crocodile alive. The croc snaps at him and he accuses the reptile of being “too theatrical,” though not as annoying as Kimmi. The situation seems under control until Alicia decides to help Michael out with her finely-honed motivational skills. When Michael tries to warn Alicia about taunting the carnivorous beast, she screams, “I will always wave my finger in the crocodile’s face!” At which point the croc removes Alicia’s finger down to the elbow.

Thinking quickly, Michael anoints himself with Alicia’s blood and intones, “Praise be to almighty Baal for granting me dominion over Kucha.” Then he yells for help. “What happened?” Jeff asks. “I totally missed it!” With Alicia rapidly losing blood, Jeff Probst arrives to remind the tribe that, as he’d told them at the previous week’s M*A*S*H challenge, in the event of a medical emergency they must take care of the victim themselves, so Kucha straps Alicia to a travois and rushes off to treat her gaping wounds with old-fashioned bottles of disinfectant and mercurochrome.

But insult is added to injury when Ogakor beats Kucha to the triage tent and wins the first aid kit, as well as toiletries from Target, new Reeboks and a Pontiac Aztek, which they scrap for parts. Ironically, this turn of events leads to a second tragedy after Amber gets some of the shampoo in her eyes and begins crying hysterically. “Why couldn’t they have given us No More Tears,” she weeps. Colby puts his arm around her and whispers, “That’s okay, baby, you just tell your problems to the Colbster,” causing Jerri to hiss at him and slither off into the river. Just then Jeff dashes in from the Kucha camp. “What’s going on?” he asks. “I totally missed it! There was a little fire in my woolly!”

As the crises ease, everyday troubles arise again. At Kucha, Rodger stops bathing, declaring that it’s “not fun anymore now that Kimmi’s not here to vigorously lather up her bikini top.” “He’s beginning to develop a dirt line,” Michael grumbles, wiping a booger from his nose. At Ogakor, Keith and Jerri go at it again when Jerri orders Keith to bury more fish and then say Kaddish for them.

Suddenly, disaster strikes again! To everyone’s shock, a helicopter lands and out steps Kimmi, passing out subpoenas and announcing that she’s joined Stacy Stillman’s suit against Mark Burnett. “I will not be treated like a jerk-awf!” she brays. Then Mitchell shows up announcing that he’s also suing, claiming that if Burnett hadn’t delayed the maze challenge until after he’d been booted off, he could have won just by looking over the walls. Finally, Kel appears with members of the PETA and alleges that Burnett untentionally drugged him, separated him from his pack and herded him into Jerri’s clutches. “What did they say?” Jeff asks. “I totally missed it again!”

At the next Tribal Council, two more tragedies strike! First, Eduardo sprains an ankle attempting a new Samba move. Then a flash thunderstorm leaves Jeff Probst thoroughly soaked, and his clinging, see-through khakis cause TV sets across the country to explode.


—Daniel Radosh

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Previous Spoilers:
Episode 4
Episode 3
Episode 2
Episode 1

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